Undaunted

A Mother's Life

2012-02-18T13:45:00.000-06:00

“There never was a woman like her. She was gentle as a dove and brave as a lioness... The memory of my mother and her teachings were, after all, the only capital I had to start life with, and on that capital I have made my way.” -Abraham Lincoln

A mother's story is sacred. The relationship she has with a daughter is a unique one, full of love adventure and beauty. A mother is a little girls' first cheerleader, beauty model, stylist, counselor, storyteller and the like.

There are so many things a mother can be for a daughter--but what about when there is a time that the mother can be there no more?Who will that little girl grow up to be? What will she remember of her dear, sweet mother? Will she have anything to hold of hers? Any memories to relive and cherish? What will she do on those special days that all mothers should be around for?

If you have lost your mother, then you know. There's no guide for this sort of loss--no manual for how to grieve, how to grow, how to remember or how to rebuild. It all comes day by day, moment by moment. The pieces may never fit the way they used to, but you can try o form a new mosaic with each small broken piece. While you sit there sifting through, if you still yourself long enough, you can feel her--guiding you, leading you, helping you see the picture she always dreamed for you.

Maybe the image comes to you from the memory of when she sat and painted your toenails with red polish and told you that you were the most beautiful girl in the world. Or through your memory of crying over your first true love and as she wiped back your tears, she reminded you of your priceless worth. Perhaps you remember your first big failure and instead of consolation she told you to "buck up" and shared one of her own failures with you and how it had taught her something critical. Whatever brings back those memories that remind you of her spirit and of the woman she was teaching you to be, those moments are the stories to remember and hold onto forever.

My mom didn't have much time between discovering her illness and dying, so she didn't have much time to prepare myself or my sisters, but the life she lived before and through her leukemia was clear enough. I knew she loved me, and I'm sure she knew how much I loved her. Still, when two years after she passed away, I opened her old cook book for Christmas, I noticed a note she left for me that simply stated, "These are our Christmas cookies! Love, Mom :)" It meant the world to me...knowing she left this for me, with her great forethought that at some point I'd probably want to know what they were and go looking.

So what if we could write down things that we really appreciate about what our Mothers’ taught us while they were still alive, whether while they were sick or before, remembering those things that were unique about them that they thought important enough to pass on to us...whether it was her adventurous spirit, whether she taught you how to play the piano or passed on the knowledge of how to substitute ingredients when you’re cooking and can’t run to the store! I'm not going to tell you what to write because your story is unique and your memories of your mom are unique, but we’d like to concentrate on who your Mother was and continues to be in you, especially through the things she passed on before she had to pass on. It would also be good if you would write a bit about what you wish she had taught you...things that now you wonder and wish she was there to teach you about.

I'm sure most mothers who know their time is near would want to and have left mementos for their daughters--whether actual items or in memories that can be held not in the hand but in the heart.

These memories and things clearly left behind are what we'd like to remember together and share with other mothers who are facing their own potential early departure. Maybe through our stories of our mothers, we can allow another mother to leave her daughter a clear and lasting legacy. One she'd be proud to watch her daughter grow into.

Once we get all the stories together, we'd like to put it into a book (title TBD) and link it to a blog as well so that other mothers can write their thoughts or ideas. Ponder on this a little while, then let me know if you can or will write your story with us. It would be an honor to have you share your mother with us in this way.

Music in the Heavens

2012-02-16T23:42:00.002-06:00

“Praise the LORD. Sing to the LORD a new song, his praise in the assembly of his faithful people. Let Israel rejoice in their Maker; let the people of Zion be glad in their King. Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with timbrel and harp.” (Psalm 149:1-3)

Have you ever heard a song and while you're singing along at the top of your lungs you think.....I wonder if we'll be singing this in heaven some day? I think about that often...even this Sunday it came to mind as I was singing with our worship team, wondering if my Mom was singing the same songs in heaven as we were singing right here in church. The thought made me smile, and then wonder.

For some reason, I had in my mind that only when we died would those songs be sung in heaven...I was thinking, "man, this'll be a great one up there someday." But what about right now? Stay with me here...

"All the Levites who were musicians—Asaph, Heman, Jeduthun and their sons and relatives—stood on the east side of the altar, dressed in fine linen and playing cymbals, harps and lyres. They were accompanied by 120 priests sounding trumpets. The trumpeters and musicians joined in unison to give praise and thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, the singers raised their voices in praise to the LORD and sang: “He is good; his love endures forever.” Then the temple of the LORD was filled with the cloud, and the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled the temple of God." (2 Chronicles 5:12-14)

God gives each of us special gifts,....some preaching, some giving mercy, some healing and some have gifts in music. More specifically leading others into worship through that music. Well if that's the case with you, do you feel like many of your songs are inspired? If you do, who inspired it? ...I mean who REALLY inspired it? Because if God really inspired the words or the music in the song, then just wonder with me if your new composition which is new to you & thousands of others, wonder if it isn't already a classic up in heaven!? Maybe they've been singing it for years, just waiting for the right time to share it with the right composer, artist and crowd! Maybe God was waiting until you went through a certain trial or blessing before He showed you His perspective that gave you words to lead thousands in praise of His faithfulness or grace!

"Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; parents tell their children about your faithfulness. The LORD will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the LORD." (Isaiah 38:17-20)

It's intriguing to thing that up in heaven right now and in the times when we finally reach our eternal home, that there will be music and songs that we've never, ever known. But what if they're singing your next hit right now.....it's already bringing glory to God, in fact He wrote the lyrics and in his excitement is just brimming with anticipation for the day he'll share it with you, and let you bring others to Him through it.

"The Lord was ready to save me: therefore we will sing my songs with stringed instruments all the days of our life, in the house of the Lord." (Isaiah 38:20)

"I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD." (Psalm 104:33-34)

www.zeteophotography.com

Day 18: Cleveland

2012-01-30T22:29:00.002-06:00

Yesterday we joined up with the tour in the morning for Jam Church, where one of the bands will lead us in worship and then either Nick or the tour pastor will lead us in a message. This morning, a few of the guys from Newsong lead worship and Nick spoke on Mark 2, challenging us to really be intentional on praying for the lost, sharing His story with them and doing whatever it takes because that's what Jesus did for us. He did whatever it took to show us His love for us.

Nick told us all about this girl who had just come up to him the night before, who had been really moved by the message. She told him how she'd been abused most of her life, hurting herself, all these horrible things, and that tonight she finally felt like God loved her and knew her. She had her hand holding tight onto something and handed it to Nick....without him looking at it yet, she told him that it had been around her neck for most of her life, as a constant reminder to her of how worthless she was. She told Nick that she didn't want to wear it anymore because from that day forward she wanted to see herself as God saw her....beautiful. As she walked away, he opened his hand to see a chain with a razor blade on the end. This is the object she wore around her neck daily....a razor blade. And that girl now walks with the freedom of Christ, having a banner of love to hang around her neck from now on. That is the power of Jesus. Incredible.

After church a group of us went to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I gotta say it was pretty great to go there with some of our new friends, who happen to be signed to labels that are on the walls of the Hall of Fame. We were there with band members from Newsong, Peter Furler band & We As Human....and someday we'll go back there to see all their names on a wall too! ;) (You should check out their sites: www.weashuman.com, www.peterfurler.com, www.newsongonline.com) It was really great to see Michael Jackson's glove, the Beatles' guitars/suits, the Temptations' stage outfits, Janis Joplin's car.....all this stuff that a non-musician loves about musicians....the dumb things, but I enjoy it.

When we got back to the venue, Tawny & I had record setup time and then met our awesome volunteers Megan & Chad. They were super. We prayed with them for a few people that we met throughout the night and just had a great time talking about ministry together. So thankful that they were there with us. I also had a chance to talk with these two girls, Emily & Hope. Hope was super depressed looking....like not even responding hardly or looking up. It felt like something was just not right, so when Nick came by, I pointed her out to him and said we needed to pray for her....so he went over and started talking with her and then called me over. We got to pray with her and tell her how much God loves her. She started crying and was really thankful we came to talk with her....later on in the night I saw her laughing and smiling. It was great.

All in all, it was a great end to the weekend. Though we're off of the tour for the next few weeks, you can be sure I'll still be praying right along with them and trying to be patient while waiting to go out there again. This is such a great movement....so thankful to be part of this. God is doing great things.

Day 16: Blahs

2012-01-28T10:21:00.001-06:00

I don't have many words for today. I woke up with a terrible stomach ache, and a few hours later was in the emergency room getting fluids pumped into me after having passed out 3 times and other things too. I'll spare you the details ;)

We didn't get to the city until after the show had begun. Thankfully Jay was able, with the help of another guy on tour, to get into our road case and set up our booth. Tawny dropped me off at a hotel to rest and handled the rest of the night on her own. So glad she could do that....I was able to get some good rest knowing that her and Jay had everything under control.

Day 15: Reading, PA

2012-01-27T00:13:00.001-06:00

Tawny and I are back on the road again, starting in the town of Reading! The last week, I was at home working and tawny was enjoying time with her grandparents on the beach. We met back up for a little getaway in New York on Monday. SO much fun. I really miss living there, and am always conspiring for reasons to move back ;)

But even amidst our galavanting around the city, we were itching to get back to the tour. I really missed everyone and just wanted to meet some new people in Pennsylvania! So I got behind the wheel and braved the crazy streets of Manhattan on our way out. Obviously we made it, though not without a few close calls. ;)

It was great to be back, setting up our booth again, seeing the other merch reps and musicians, seeing a new city and all the fun that comes along with all that.

Dara Maclean came over and met us tonight. She told us about her live of worship and performing and how she's been able to connect with some amazing ministries through that. It was such a pleasure!

Going to sign off, as I'm not feeling great. Please pray for our health and continued growth through the time spent in the Word. Thanks for traveling with us!

I will be Undaunted

2012-01-21T21:47:00.004-06:00

If you've traveled through some years with me, you know that there have been some pretty amazing things that have happened both wonderful and painfully difficult. Each having their own place at their specific time, teaching me and shaping me as they do, as I continue to seek the face of the Lord and His purpose throughout each of these happenings.

Throughout the recent months, there has been a wavering amount of fear that has crept into my world. Fear of the unknown, uncertainty about the future, fear of rejection, all sorts of feelings that I'm sure other people struggle with as well. And in the past, I would just take each of those as it came, deal with it and hopefully move on. But something recently has really been challenging that in me. Encouraging me to take a more pro-active approach, by stepping out boldly in confidence that my Father God has each and every situation planned out just so, and that I merely need to trust in His goodness over me.

My blog has been titled "Walking, Stumbling to a home not yet seen" because quite frankly, many of the trials that I was going through were so unreal & earth shattering that many days I felt like I was stumbling along, just trying to make it one step at a time. There have been some terrible years, but now I feel like moving beyond that and looking square on to what Jesus holds for me as I learn to stand up straight and walk into His grace & promises.

This is where "Undaunted" comes from. If you looked it up, you would see that it is a word that means "Not intimidated or discouraged by difficulty, danger, or disappointment," and is synonymous with the words fearless, intrepid, brave, & courageous. In the Bible, there are many times where God changes someone's name in order to make it known something in them has changed...like when Saul's name changed to Paul to show his change of devotion & purpose, or Jacob's name (supplanter) changing to Israel (having power with God), or Simon (God has heard) being re-named Peter (rock). These were all significant name changes that had a lot to do not only with where a person was at that point, but more so where they were going.

In the Bible there are over 300 passages on fear, and more specifically where God tells us not to fear! Something that is repeated that many times should make us think, right? I mean if it's that important to tell us so many times, then A) we must not be alone in this fear and B) God must really want us to trust Him instead of bowing to fear. So this is a challenge I'm going at with God. To not be defeated or weighed down by fear, but to move forward with Christ, remembering the past and using it as a catalyst for the next adventure. Hopefully we can walk down this road together!

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

Snowy Roadtrip pt 2

2012-01-21T20:58:00.003-06:00

Well, we made it! A little later than we had planned on, but the whiteouts & cars in the ditch didn't stop us from getting to WinterJam! :) We all had such a great night, experiencing the music in a new way.....as people in the audience, not just working behind the scenes. It was a great time. There were so many people who stood to say "Yes" to Jesus too, that it was quite overwhelming! All the bands were (as usual) really good...probably better because I was actually given some time to sit & watch rather than strain to hear anything from the outside concourse! :) Here are some photos/videos from the night.

More here...

And.....keep watch, there's a change a comin' to this blog life of mine, and I think you'll enjoy it!

Snowy road trip pt 1

2012-01-20T10:53:00.001-06:00

Not exactly sure why winter felt like January 20th was the day to come at us, but it sure wasn't the greatest day to decide to drive to Des Moines! Even when I'm not touring with WinterJam, it seems to find me somehow.

This morning we, a few of our PULSE staff, are driving down to enjoy the WJ show and to give my co-worker a run down of everything we have been doing. It's going to be great....if we get there! ;) Tonight instead of Skillet we are having Toby Mac! Can't wait!

Day 12: Funnies

2012-01-14T22:59:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a pretty sweet day. We started out realizing it was Friday the 13th, and read our devotional that talked about waiting on God's adventures.....so we weren't sure how it would turn out. Here were some of the highlights:

As I was getting in the service elevator, two employees told me how to work it and said "oh yeah, and MAKE SURE you press this button or the door won't open and you'll be stuck in there!" so I used the elevator and made it out ok. But since I was in a hurry, when I got out, Tawny hopped in to go back down and as the door was about 5 inches from closing, I remembered about the button so I frantically yelled "don't forget to press the button or you'll get stuck!" she yelled back "which button?" but then the door closed. I started laughing SO hard!!!!! When Tawny made it out.....five hours later ;) she was laughing too. We both nearly collapsed we laughed so hard. Good times.

Day 10 and 11 on the road again

2012-01-14T12:22:00.001-06:00

We have been so tired in the evenings we have not be able to blog and the past two days feel like a blur. We are off the beach and back to work. Here is a brief recap and we will try and blog more after tonight. we handed our roughly 2,000 copies of John. Herd the testimonies of more then a few new believers. Met Phil Joel and Peter Furler. Shared bagel with some of our Winter Jam friends. Had a guy come to our table and drop a beat.

The Lord is the One who goes ahead of you; He will be with you He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8

Day 9: Beach Bum pt 2

2012-01-13T01:04:00.001-06:00

1. Watched the sunrise over the Atlantic.
2. Ate another bagel at Bagel World.
3. Got a new haircut and was being flirted with before I even left the building!
4. Played Skip-Bo on out the porch.
5. Drove on the beach all the way to the end.
6. Watched surf-glider things and dodged rain while walking the beach with my bro.
7. Ate amazing seafood at Boston's.
8. Watched The Help.
9. Went in the hot tub, ocean at midnight and then back in the hot tub.
10. SLEEP.

Great day. :)

Psalms 139:1-4 To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.

Day 8: Beach Bum

2012-01-11T23:05:00.001-06:00

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

Today was the most wonderful
That I've had for a while....at least of all 11 days I've lived this year! ;)

Today was the first day off-off that I've had in a long time. We started it by sleeping late, then heading to a local bagel shop where they make bagels fresh every morning!! They. Were. Good. Real good. I savored every bite of my egg, cheese and bacon sandwich on an apple cranberry cinnamon bagel. :)

Next we got some supplies from the drug store and headed to our beach. We stayed out there until early afternoon. It was fabulous. We played in the ocean, walked on the beach, collected shells, laid out, painted our toe nails, and sat in the hot tub.

Later we went to a few boutiques and got yogurt from Mango Tango. :) After that we took a short rest at home because clearly we had been working SO hard all morning. And later we went to diner at a local Mexican restaurant, Mi-Mexico. It was great. Especially when we tried speaking Spanish to the waiter. Funny.

When we got home we challenged each other to a few games of pool, then put in a movie but all fell asleep.

It was a great day. I literally broke out singing the doxology because I was so thankful.

Day 7: Old Savannah and New Smyrna

2012-01-10T14:34:00.001-06:00

Well how can I tell you about our day? We had planned to drive through the night so we could be to FL by morning, but after driving a few hours we decided it'd be best to just sleep.

Once we started driving again in the morning we realized we could be in Savannah just after noon, so we decided to take a pit stop in Old Savannah for lunch. I'd been there 11 years ago and loved it so I'd been talking it up to Tawny and thankfully when we pulled into town she fell in love with it too!

The cobblestone streets on the river with colorful storefronts were a beautiful sight for sore eyes. Up and down the riverwalk, we settled on a place called 'Spanky's' for lunch. It was recommended by two locals, and we would now recommend it too. :). It had great pizza and burgers.....and you must try the potato things....forgetting the name, but they were GOOD. Tawny bought some flowers that an old man made out of palm leaves. It was cute.

We then headed towards our FL destination of New Smyrna Beach, where my brother Tyler and my friend Sue both live! When we pulled into town, we met my brother and picked up some Chinese take-out with Sue. She then took us to a house she'd gotten us for the week, which is literally ON the beach! Walking out onto our huge balcony overlooking the Atlantic coast, a full moon glistened off of the crashing waves below while a light breeze wrapped us in welcome. Need I expound on how I felt at that moment? ;)

This house has 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 large decks, a cabana with a swing, a billiards room and a hot tub out in the freshest of air. This is SUCH a blessing for us. We are definitely grateful, even more so when you say your evening prayers by the light if the moon. Amen.
We then headed towards our FL destination of New Smyrna Beach, where my brother Tyler and my friend Sue both live! When we pulled into town, we met my brother and picked up some Chinese take-out with Sue. She then took us to a house she'd gotten us for the week, which is literally ON the beach! Walking out onto our huge balcony overlooking the Atlantic coast, a full moon glistened off of the crashing waves below while a light breeze wrapped us in welcome. Need I expound on how I felt at that moment? ;)

This house has 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 large decks, a cabana with a swing, a billiards room and a hot tub out in the freshest of air. This is SUCH a blessing for us. We are definitely grateful, even more so when you say your evening prayers by the light if the moon. Amen.

(ESV) Psalms 139:9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Psalms 139:9-10 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

Day 6: Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte

2012-01-09T15:43:00.001-06:00

Started out the day with some good coffee. Headed to church with the whole tour. We missed the first bit but, what we got from it was that those things that we feel we need to control so tightly are precisely the things we need to hand over to God.

After that we got to have a long and relaxing lunch with some new friends from the tour and still managed a record set up time...the booth was up in about 20 minutes. The rest of the night seemed pretty normal but here is a recap of the weekend: we handed out about 3,000 gospels of John. Just last night Nick spoke to almost 13 thousand people. Tawny had a great conversation with this girl who was impacted by the night. She was struggling with knowing how to share the gospel with some teens that she works with and after hearing Nick speak she found a new inspiration to keep trying.

We ended up fitting all of out extra boxes into our road case with a little help from our awesome volunteer Chip. And to end the night we ate the most amazing mouth watering mini donuts ever. Now we are headed into a couple of days of rest in a location to be announced... :)

Here are some things to pray for,
Nick as he speaks the next few days in Florida.
That the responses made this weekend would continue to grow deeper.
That everyone on the tour including us could have a few days for good rest before going back out.

.....oh, and we got locked out of our car at midnight. And got a bowl of candy from our friends while we waited for the locksmith. :)

Day 5: We as Friends

2012-01-08T08:52:00.001-06:00

So we woke up early because we had to head out and pack our many boxes into the back of the pilot. We had our coffee and eggs but still did not know how this was all going to work out. While pondering the situation, we noticed that the guys from We As Human happened to be at breakfast at that same time. We started chatting with them and found out they were driving them selves to each location as well. While talking about merch, Tawny and I made a joke about wanting to sell more so we could have some more room for our luggage. The guys were a little wide eyed and generously offered some space in the back of their trailer. We were shocked and super thankful that something temporarily worked out for our extra boxes. We loaded up and headed out on our way to Raleigh, North Carolina. I wasn't feeling 100% so thankfully Tawny was up for driving. On our drive we made a few pit stops and even happened to run into the band alone the way. Tawny challenged them to a race which I'm pretty sure we won...no....actually we absolutely won!

We enjoyed the drive...it was beautiful traveling over the mountains, across the rivers, and through the woods... But instead of grandmothers house we ended up at a huge arena. Thankfully the second day of set up went much faster and we even had time to spare...We As Human came in later than they had expected and had no time to set up their merch before they went on stage. We offered to help and they quickly accepted leaving us with a bunch of boxes and signs that we didn't know anything about. We set everything up the best that we could especially after hearing that some important people were there to see them that night. Tawny ended up running their booth for about an hour with loads of people trying to buy t-shirts and CDs while she was unsure of any costs or even how to process their payments :) but it all worked out in the end. They were super thankful and I think we made some new friends at the tour.

The show it's self went really great. We probably handed out over a thousand RESET books and saw a huge number respond to the Gospel. The end of the night was fairly simple and Tawny and I got to sleep at Matt and Arianne Green's house, some good friends of mine.

So I'll leave you with this thought. On our drive throughout the mountains of Virginia I awoke to what I thought was the out line of the mountains, but as we drove closer I realized it was merely then sun making a silhouette of the clouds. It made me think of this morning when we woke up and didn't know how we were going to fit everything in our car, and how I had made a big deal about the situation, when really God's providence was about to shine through. I sometimes see mountains when it's really just a cloud which can easily evaporate when the light shines through. Tawny and I are learning everyday how to trust God even in the little things!

Mark 9:23 :)

Day 4: The Beginning

2012-01-07T08:27:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was an informational giant, fun-filled, running around like a chicken with it's head chopped off kind of day! ;)

We picked up Jay and Nick in the morning and headed to a mandatory tour mtg. Everyone was there. They introduced the pastors, managers, drivers, bands, etc. Nick spoke to the group a bit about what our hearts purpose should be on this tour, through our music, speech and interactions and prayer life for our unsaved friends/family. It was great. We then had a short merch mtg, and from that we needed to run some errands---buying a table and making some copies.

While we were out we got our new PULSE t-shirts and hoodies!! (which I'm currently wearing). The thing is though, that we then had to come back from errands and setup all our new things, the tv & DVD player (which wouldn't read our disc), lights, and then train in Tawny and the young volunteers we were assigned......all in about an hour. :/

We got it done.

The first night was ....good but crazy. We snuck away at times to see the show, and eat dinner...meeting Mark the drummer of Sanctus Real and some of his cronies...got tasked with stuffing 400+ Reset books with our info cards, taking photos of the show some to het some social media on our fb page, making friends with the booth people to our left and right, etc.

At the end of the night, We realized we had too many boxes to fit into our already packed car!! So we fit what we could, and figured we'd somehow cram our luggage in SOMEHOW the next day. ....that story will come in the next post. :)

To end the night, we made a 1am stop at Wendy's. Agh it's the little joys of life.

Today Tawny and I had some good talks about resting in the Lord. So I'll keep this verse in mind--Psalm 4:8 which says 'In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone oh Lord, make me to dwell in safety.'

Day 3: Setting Up

2012-01-05T21:46:00.001-06:00

This morning we had no idea what the "schedule" was, so we re-read the welcome letter, and ran some errands before heading over to the Civic Center which is conveniently close to our hotel. After wandering around the building, being guided by a chef, we found the Production Assistant and Tour Manager, got checked in and went out back to see where our road case would be delivered.

Lo and behold, as we walked outside, there was a semi-truck that Tawny recognized as the one that picked up the road case in MN! We waited for only a few minutes until the driver opened the back and THERE WAS OUR CASE!! It was so great!

We setup our booth, as the bands were having sound checks....Peter Furler was checking, and singing some great classic Newsboys songs, and I knew every word. I started singing along, and Tawny admitted to me that she didn't even know who the Newsboys were!! I was appalled. Then I realized that Phil Joel was also here, and so I was pumped when two of my favorite artists (Peter & Phil) walked into dinner later and sat at our table (!!!) with us, when........Nick Hall & Jay said it was time to go (!!!). .....I've got to remind myself we'll be having dinner with the artists plenty of times. :)

After we had setup, Tawny & I walked downtown for lunch....I thought both these signs were great.

And then Tawny schooled me about sunglasses...

After that we walked down Capital Street, with lots of cool little old shops, met a guy filming for an MTV show, and then had coffee at Taylor Books before heading back. I had a cool "Emerald Road" which was a latte with Irish Cream & Coconut....with Almond milk! mmmmm

....interesting find on the way back. Remind me, where is America & Italy? I was pretty sure they weren't in the Middle East!?

....found the signatures of some good people!

Here's our great banner & front of our sweet road case! Wait for another photo of the whole setup soon!

After all the rehearsals & dinner, Tawny & I walked down to the river to see this sweet bridge that was lit up, and changing colors. It was superb. A bit cold, but worth the walk.

I think not knowing what this tour is going to be like, and entering into a new & uncharted territory for me, a verse from 2 Chronicles 20:12 comes to mind...."...we know not what to do, but our eyes are on You." I love that. even when you're unsure of the future, if you continue to look to the Lord to direct you, you cannot fail. Keep relying on the Lord, and He will be your strong guide!

Day 2: West VA bound

2012-01-05T20:40:00.001-06:00

A good sleep, great eggs with Tabasco and strong coffee was how we started the day. Thanks to my brother Ted, Tawny and I had a great pit stop in Chicago.

Our long drive was uneventful, but very pastoral in the sense that we spotted many old farms, a few covered bridges and the mountains started to spring up. Along with far too many wildlife.....or rather roadkill. ;)

The highlights of the day were getting to eat at a Sonic :) and finally reaching our destination of Charleston, WV.

Day 1: Chicago Bound

2012-01-04T07:29:00.001-06:00

Well yesterday Tawny and I set off from Minneapolis on the first leg of this crazy WinterJam adventure with Pulse!

At the office we finished getting everything packed up into our sweet road case, ...previously used by U2!..., gathered for prayer and we were off.

After a few cold hours in the car though, we realized something was wring and ended up having to stop at a mechanic to get a flush. It seemed to work, but it was spotty the rest of the night.

Somewhere after that, we stopped for gas and coffee at Molly's Rude Awakening. It was definitely an odd hippie type joint, but the coffee was a welcomed awakening, not rude in the least!

Finally we arrived in Chicago where my brother Ted let us warm up and served us real Chicago style pizza. It was delicious, and best of all it was hot! Ted of course entertained us with stories until Tawny and I were practically both asleep. ;) Great end to the first day.

These two verses have really spiken to me over the last week or two, and as we start this adventure, it felt appropriate to share. I hope they bring confidence and strength to you as they are to me.

Psalms 27:1 Of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 18:28 For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.

Almost out

2012-01-03T07:52:00.001-06:00

So today I will depart on a new journey of sorts. The WinterJam tour has brought on Nick Hall to share a message with 500k people, at over 47 venues, in 22 states! It's going to be life changing work, with life changing results.

So if he's speaking, what's my job? Well I'll be following the tour for many of those shows, being another face for PULSE as well as handling the merch at our booth. Honestly I'm not so sure what a normal day will look like, but that will come soon enough. :)

For the next two weeks of this first stent, I'll try to keep you updated, sharing prayer requests, tour updates, fun facts and of course I'll post photos as well! It'd be great to know who's following us as we travel, so leave comments or join us at a show!

Ooh, and did I mention...our road case is one U2 used?????? It's a beautiful day!

Check out these links:
www.jamtour.com
www.pulsemovement.com

A Little Out of Sorts

2011-12-18T23:22:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've been struck, .....who knows what kind or by what, but it seems I've taken the wheel of a speeding car headed to an unknown destination. Someone else put me on this course, and there's no way to turn back, even if I really really want to. I've had no lessons and there are plenty of backseat drivers but no one that is making any sense. My hands are cold, my heart is numb, I want to close my eyes but I can't.

This time of year can be hard when there are people you love who are not here, and when the ones you love who are here won't hear you. There's a song I've been listening to a lot, by Sara Groves, called "Obsolete." You should check it out if you have the chance. It speaks about feeling dismissed, unseen, obsolete and the rest. Yet at the end of the song, she comes to the conclusion that even if we are dismissed or disqualified here on earth, our loving and living God will take us close to hold us near.

Christmas then truly is the greatest time to feel this strangeness then, because we are constantly surrounded by the reminders of His birth, which was the message to all and each of us that He is near, that He heard our cries and that He will deliver us. He alone is the glorious one, the faithful one, the precious one who held us from before the beginning and then still humbled himself to be born the son of a messed up family and cradled in a manger.

Who is this God, who chose to live amongst us and deliver us from our sins, our failures and our misguided hearts? He is the wonderful God, the only one that can comfort the hurting, sing peace over the sick and dance joy into the disheartened.

Thank you Jesus, for grace when I'm lagging in the race.
Thank you Jesus, for hope when I'm not sure that I can cope.
Thank you Jesus, for your steadfast hand when there seems no place to land.
Thank you Jesus, for peace when the trials don't seem to cease.
Thank you Jesus, the Son, the one and only risen One.

The REASON Tour

2011-12-05T23:54:00.001-06:00

Hey friends, just thought I'd write again....tomorrow I'm leaving for a week, traveling from WI-MN-ND, on a tour to tell about the REASON we celebrate Christmas. What a great thing to be able to do for work... We'll be touring alongside Sara Groves, Leeland, Dave Lubben & Nick Hall will be sharing the message. Please join us for a show if we're in your town, or join with us in prayer if you're not able to make it! I'll try to update things from the road, because I like to have you along.

Please pray that while we're all on the road together, that A: We don't kill each other, B: We get adequate rest, but most importantly C: God's message of hope, redemption & purpose is heard & received by many. Thanks for joining along! Please look at the img below for all the dates/locations or visit: www.thereasonchristmas.com Hope to see some of you along the road!

God Size

2011-11-17T23:15:00.001-06:00

The last few months here have been crazy. Literally speaking, they've been such a whirlwind, that every time I've even thought of writing, I'll forget about 10 minutes later because I'm on to something different. But tonight, I felt like I had to write....there's too much to say all in one post, but this message keeps coming through different ways, and so it must be something that is important. So here goes.

Have you ever been faced with something where you thought, "how am I supposed to pray for this!?"...you battle within yourself whether you should pray for a miracle, or not, because you "know" that it won't happen probably and that whatever it is in front of you will just turn out the way things "normally" turn out, whether that be good or bad, but either way you pray it's not really going to be different. Have you been there? I have, and I'm sure some of you have too. You're like....you trust in God, but really when the odds look so grim you just don't know if you should pray that God will perform a miracle or if you should just accept the fate & pray for God to give peace.

Well.....here's a question for you: How well do you know God?

Really, how well do you KNOW Him? The earth is finite, right? Meaning there's only limited outcomes, options, possibilities, etc. But God is NOT. He created the earth, so He doesn't live within the confines of our existence, He lives in the freedom of His! So when we pray, are we underestimating the power of God by not even asking for something bigger than we could even imagine?

This spring, things were going along just "normal" until one day I went to work & they told me that I was being laid off. Oddly enough, I wasn't devastated. Honestly I'd been having a conversation with God about what was next....I wasn't sure that where I was then was where He would always want me to be...so when I heard that I would be leaving in a month, it was a little bit of an "okay God, now what..." moment. Financially I was okay for a little while, so I decided that since I had so many things planned for the summer, I would wait on God for just the right thing, and not pursue another position until the middle of August.

At the beginning of July, I visited my dad in TX, and finished a book called "Sacred Waiting" by David Timms. It seemed that book was perfectly timed, by hitting on my period of waiting that had just been semi-imposed upon me by getting laid off. I went back to MN to prepare for an art show before heading out on another vacation with some friends (which is another story all in itself) and two days before I left I got a strange call. It was one of my old supervisors, from the job I had just left. He said that his wife had met a guy at a concert, and that through random conversation, he mentioned they were looking for someone like me and so she mentioned my name and now that guy was trying to get in touch with me about a job. That morning, I researched the organization, called & left a message and two hours later got a call back. They wanted me to come in for an interview 2 hours later. Here's the scenario: I'm in my PJ's at 1pm, I don't have a current resume, don't have a printer if I DID have a current resume, wasn't sure that I had any clean business clothes to wear and was then living an hour away from the office....so naturally I said "of course I can make it by 3pm". lol. I stood in line behind three 10 year old girls at the public library to print off my resume, and barely made it in.

To make the rest of the story short, I was offered the job the next day. It was outstanding. I feel so blessed, and I know that this kind of thing does NOT happen that often, but it was like....God was reminding me that He does things in HIS timing and way, not necessarily ours. So this weekend, we're hosting an event, hoping to draw in 5,500 people! We'll be sharing the gospel and feature some great musicians! And through the planning, I've been nervous, wondering how it'll all turn out, what will happen, who will come, etc. And sitting here tonight, being reminded of God's miraculous power through the book of John, I'm finding peace knowing that God's got it.

He's greater than anything we can imagine, and so He's capable of doing more than we can imagine. We just need to stop underestimating Him and closing doors where He wants to show us His miracles! Where does God want to do a miracle in your life, or challenge you to trust in Him more? As you think on that, also remember us this Saturday in prayer. Pray that people will pack the house, pray that people will respond to the gospel, pray that the Lord would do something that we could have never imagined! Hallelujah!

(If you want to watch our concert streaming live, tune in Saturday at 7pm Central at: http://livestre.am/16gGw)

Branches & Vines

2011-09-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I did a lot of cleaning. Inside my house as well as some inside my soul. While emptying out a book closet, I came across an old journal that my great grandmother had written, telling a bit of her story of marriage, grief, hardships & the faithfulness of God throughout each moment. It was a precious reminder of how the Lord is faithful throughout the generations. How blessed I felt to know that He was working so many years ago, while forming the foundation that I would grow into through this family.

On Sunday, I visited the church that I had read about in her writing, that my family had been diligent to help begin. The worship felt new this time. Knowing a part of the history of how these settlers, new & shocked by the un-true tellings of the reality that would face them on the land that awaited them. Their hearts were on giving the next generation a hope & future....even if that meant really hard work & struggles. Even if that meant starting your own church because faith in God was that important. Even if that meant losing many dreams you had for yourself so that dreams your children dreamt could come true.

At the church though, the sermon was about the Vine & Branches section of John 15. I normally really appreciate this verse, but as I had been going through a lot of things that were left after my mother passed away, I was saddened because it was like....well, I understand that God would cut off branches that weren't producing fruit, but what about those that WERE producing fruit? Why would he cut those off early? Thankfully, when these thoughts were mumbling through my little brain, they were caught by the next phrase the pastor spoke....about God pruning the branches that were producing fruit because by doing that sometimes the fruit other branches produce will grow larger & that the quality of the fruit might become better.

This made me wonder about my life right now, and those lives of my siblings & friends. People who we've known, outstanding characters & faithful to the Lord, those people who were cut off from life seemingly too early to understand. It hurt, and still does many days, but it seems like this verse would flow with this course of pruning. Somethings that I've done this year, never would have been done had my mother been around. Other things I've seen my friends/siblings do would never have happened if their friends or family had been around....it doesn't make it feel better that they're not here to see these amazing things forming in us, but knowing that somehow their leaving earth spurred a new life inside of us is inspiring.

I don't know what my whole thought here really comes to, but maybe just knowing that God prunes fruitful branches sometimes to bear bigger fruits on the branches that are left, makes me wonder....what kind of fruit does he see as possible out of our lives? What will be coming through the pruning? It doesn't always feel good to be pruned, but then again who are we as branches to tell the Gardener which branches He should prune? He knows best, for "...He who promised is faithful." (Romans 10:23)

Parties & Prayer

2011-09-10T11:44:00.002-05:00

Last night, I stood still, amidst hundreds of students all proclaiming their praise & confession to the Lord. We prayed for those who are lost, seeking & struggling. For those who do not yet know Truth. Outside the building where we gathered, a deep pounding surged through to our ears, just across the street were parties, with probably the same amount of students, but not gathered for the same purpose. They were there, doing whatever felt right to satisfy them for the moment. But at the end of the night, where would they end up? I met a few who wandered through our doors after the evening had ended. They were looking for something.....it didn't matter what, they just wanted to be a part of something. While talking with them, my heart ached for them to be a part of our family...of God's family. If only they could understand that they mattered, that God loved them, that we loved them, and that there was purpose for their life.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

The seeking, searching, aching and dizzying path of these students compels me to pray that someday soon they can understand fully the grace of God that has been extended towards them, and that there is a way of peace & joy, found only in the Lord. Will you join me in this prayer?

www.pulsemovement.com

Now & not later

2011-08-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight was an interesting evening. I was blessed to be able to join my friends Erin & Deb at a meeting of youth, for Timber Bay. This was the organization that this years' "Come Run with Julie" race raised money for. We were able to go, tell the kids about Julie's story, give them some t-shirts & also tell them about what was raised for them.

Sitting on an island, with a bonfire going, listening to Deb, the mother of my dear friend Julie, talk about Julie's life and death, and the impact that it has had on the world, just broke something in me. One of Deb's stories, mentioned that Julie had never had a passport, or ever made it out of the country. Yet after she died, they heard from people on SIX continents that had been touched by Julie's story.....that they wanted to tell others about her legacy. For a girl who never left the states, that is quite the impact. It just made me think about what my impact would be if I had been in her situation....or even just a different one where I was gone suddenly, would my life leave a mark? hm.

I think about my mom too, and how all she ever wanted to be was a mom. She met that goal head on, and was the best mom I've ever had or known about. (no offense to you other moms out there.....mine was the best.) She put everything she had into loving us kids, and when she died, as horrible as it felt, what an honor to see over 700 people show up over three days, to remember her and praise the life that she had poured out here on earth, living a life that she felt God called her into. And I just wonder, will my life make an impact like that someday? hm.

What else got me thinking, was a picture.....out of a stack of about 40 photos, one held my gaze....a photo of Julie & Andrea, standing close to the rivers bank, with their feet in the water, not quite full in, but testing it, both faces aglow as the cool water probably tickled their feet. The photo was taken just moments before they faced the falls, but the looks on their faces were so peaceful, so content, so beautiful and happy. There was no indication of what was about to happen. This was a moment, a sacred moment, where things were okay. They were going well. Then minutes later, the sharp reality of life's uncertainty gripped their bodies and pulled them from our lives. ........

We never know when things like this are going to happen. We never know who it will happen to. We never know why terrible things happen to good people. But we do know that there is hope. There is a hope we can find in Jesus, in trusting in Him to be our savior, to walk with him & stumble with him. To allow him to overflow into our hearts & lives, rather than life flowing over us. He loves you. He really does. And there's no better time than right NOW.....not five minutes from now, but NOW to accept his love and turn your life towards Him.

My mom didn't know she'd be leaving so soon, and Julie wouldn't have guessed how her life would end, but as you & I sit here in front of this computer, if we were to go right now......would you know Jesus? would you have hope? would you go in confidence trusting that the Lord had your life in His hands? You need to know, that there is hope, and that it is only found in the one true God.

A life of Waiting

2011-06-21T10:10:00.000-05:00

In a world that waits for nothing, God has given us a few great examples of how to live a patient life, waiting fully on Him.

Think about your definition of waiting, what does it mean to you to wait? Many times we see waiting purely as a means to an end. But there is also a type of waiting has more to do with Presence & Service. It’s not just something we do for a time, but it’s a type of waiting that permeates who we are and how we respond.

If someone wants to be a good server or waiter at a restaurant, what are the two main things you are required to do? Be present and be of service. Now this order is important, because if you’re not present to the person at the table, how will you ever be able to be of service to them? In order to be a good waiter, or server, you need to practice the Presence of waiting…..making a connection with the person and listening to them well.

As we look throughout the Old Testament you’ll see many examples of God’s people waiting, waiting, and waiting. Some people in the Old Testament like Abraham & Sarah didn’t want to wait for God’s promise to them any longer, so they went ahead with their own plan. Others, like with Moses & the Israelites, instead of waiting for God’s timing, they turned to idols & let fear take over which in turn they were told to wait longer…40 years longer.

There was one man though that waited an extraordinarily long time for God—and that man is Noah. Noah grew up in a time where the people on earth, similar to today, were becoming more & more rebellious against God, turning to their own desires & plans. Noah’s heritage however, was laced with strong & faithful men. Enoch, Noah’s great grandfather was a man who walked so closely with God that eventually God just “took” him from the earth. Noah’s grandfather was Methuselah, whose name meant “when he dies, it will be sent.” And even Noah’s name meant “rest,” which at his birth his father stated that he would bring rest from the toil & work of the ground that was cursed. I don’t know how these names were chosen, but as we’ll soon see, they were both very meaningful & prophetic.

For over 400 years, there’s no mention really of Noah’s life, except that he had found favor in the eyes of the Lord & that Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked with God.” (Genesis 6:8-9) When Noah was given the task “Build an Ark,” it probably wasn’t because he was a great boat builder, or that he knew just how to do the task, but he responded because he walked with God and KNEW Him. Noah was able to fulfill this request not because he was so skilled in making boats, or even building for that matter. What made him qualified for this enormous project was that he was in constant communication with God, and was consistently present to Him. Over the 400 years of Noah’s life before this point, he had learned to discern God’s voice and knew when to respond. In the game we played earlier, you needed to know what your teammate’s voice sounded like & discern their voice from all the rest of the yelling voices. In the same way, Noah, in 400 years on earth had learned to hear God’s voice above all the others & pay attention to HIS voice as the one to direct him.

If Noah had any doubts about if it was truly God telling him to build an ark, he probably would have just dismissed the request & gone about his business. Maybe God would have chosen someone else for the project, or maybe he would have just kept speaking…..we don’t know, but what we DO know, is that Noah wasn’t confused about if it was God’s voice. He understood the request, and set about fulfilling it immediately. He knew it was God because he had been waiting on God for 400+ years. Now hopefully it won’t take US 400 years to get this down, but Noah was constantly going to God’s table, getting to know Him and His desires.

This is where it gets tough for me…many times, I get into a habit of praying to God about…. “God, give me this, or that, tell me the answer here, or can you direct this to happen?” But truly, honestly waiting on God like Noah did, should be more about listening for what God’s list for US is, not what OUR list for HIM is. And Noah had quite the list from God…..the ark he was told to build was about half the size of the Titanic, he had to build with certain wood, to certain specifications, all while having people mock & criticize his efforts.

Yet he waited and endured. Because of Noah’s certainty that it was God who called him to build the ark, he disregarded the people’s jeers and continued diligently in the directly God had set him. The estimate is that it took Noah 120 years to build the ark….and I don’t know about you, but I’m almost sure that I would have given up before then. But he just kept going because that’s what God requested of Him. He didn’t jump ahead of God’s plans either, he patiently waited on God’s timing, while continuing to walk with God & listen for his leading.

"Barbara Brown Taylor, an outstanding Bible teacher & preacher, tells the story of a friend who traveled to visit her shortly after she moved from Atlanta to the small township of Clarkesville in the north Georgia foothills. Without a cell phone or a reliable map, the friend became hopelessly lost, increasingly frantic, and somewhat faster on the roads. Finally, she glanced in her rearview mirror and saw those ominous flashing blue lights. She pulled over, and as the police officer approached her driver's side window, she handed him her license and registration. "I am so sorry," she said. "I know I was speeding, but I've been lost from the last forty minutes, and I cannot find Tower Terrace anywhere on this map." "Well, I'm sorry about that, too, ma'am," he said, writing up her citation, "but what made you think that hurrying would help you find your way?'" ....like this lady, how can we ever find our destination if we don't first slow down to really get to know the map, or the Father? We can't rush ahead if we aren't first present to the One who should be giving us directions.

Noah didn’t get distracted by the project, but kept his focus on the Lord throughout the 120 years that he built the ark. Even when it didn’t rain for years & years, and there was no “reasonable reason” why he should be building an ark, He kept going. And during this time, he kept waiting on God's perfect timing. Interesting to me, is that his grandfather, whose name meant something like "when he dies, it will be sent," passed away shortly before the rains & floods came! Wow. And Noah, whose name meant "rest" was able to play a critical role in God renewing the rest on the earth from corruption & evil.

After the flood, God honored Noah and promised that never again would He flood the whole earth.

If we are to have the same perseverance & waiting ability that Noah had, it won’t come from a strong will but a strong walk with the Lord. We shouldn’t just follow God when we see results, we should follow Him because He is trustworthy and will tell us what we need, when we need it. By establishing a solid waiting relationship through PRESENCE, we can then be good SERVERS.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" (Isaiah 30:18)

"The Lord replied, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

A life of Waiting

2011-06-21T10:07:00.000-05:00

In a world that waits for nothing, God has given us a few great examples of how to live a patient life, waiting fully on Him.

After the flood, God honored Noah and promised that never again would He flood the whole earth.

Doors & Windows

2011-06-02T16:06:00.002-05:00

So the last month or so, I've been doing a practice to notice what good things I can praise God about from each day, and it's been really great to notice those things, some bigger than others, but each one still worth noticing.

Recently though, my future is looking a little different....weird & hard but also good & exciting. I know I'm being very broad & not saying a lot, but now is not yet the time to reveal what's going on. But in the meantime, here's where I find myself...it feels like a few doors have been closed, but when those doors closed, the only place I could turn to was up, looking to the heavens, and here is where I saw all these doors & windows that had been there all along, just waiting to be explored....

It's a bit overwhelming though, knowing that what you have been doing will be changing, and what you will be doing, is yet to be discovered. I'm thankful that when I look up, I see the beautiful clouds that God created, feel the sun warm on my face, and can know that even through another unknown, that God knows and will be guiding me through all the way. Just like in the book of Joshua, God told the Israelites to follow behind the Ark of the Covenant so that by it they might know which way to go...this is my prayer, that in the next few weeks and months especially, that the Lord might lead so I can follow.

Psalm 139:4-6 says "Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The Lord knew these new things would change part of my outlook, but because He covers me and knows more than I can ever imagine, He is trustworthy to take care of me while I search for which window or door He'd like me to push open.

No longer bound

2011-04-24T11:41:00.001-05:00

It's Easter, and this last week has given me some great things to think on as I remember the reason we celebrate today. I'd love to hear your thoughts too, so if you read this & want to share how God has spoken to you this week, please share it!

Last night, I was reading a book called "The Great Escape" which are short devotionals, and the first entry had the same name as the book. It reminded me of someone I had known about and someone I had not. The person I had not heard of earlier was a woman named Mrs. Emma Smith. She prided herself on being someone who had lived underground in a casket for longer than anyone had before! She was down there for 100 or so days.....and thinking about this, you'd be astonished! But she had help...there was electricity, heat, a phone, a tube to send down food & water, and the casket was big enough that she could move around in. None the less, she lived in a casket underground for a very long time, and when she came up out of the "grave" she felt proud that she had done something no one else had.

The second person was Houdini. A man who mastered skills of unlocking locks of various kinds without using a key! He was able to lock himself in unimaginable spaces, and get out without ever using a key. He even learned how to live on very little air, so he could stay underwater or in buried places for a long time without dying!

Both of these people were known in their time for incredible feats that no one else could do. They were able to be confined & "imprisoned" of a sort, and yet amazingly enough they were able to escape! However, at some point, both of these people would not be able to escape death. As amazing as these people were to many people, Houdini's life came to an end by a simple blow to the stomach & Emma would eventually be put into a grave that she wouldn't get out of 100 days later. Neither one of them could escape that fate. But there was someone who did!

Jesus, after three days in the tomb, conquered death & was able to walk out of the grave. Walk out. Not be taken out, but he left on his own accord. The grave could not keep him inside. And what is more, is that by HIS great authority on heaven and earth, and by HIS divine power, WE can also defy death's grip...for when we are believing in God & find ourselves at the door of death, we shall not be defeated, but rather welcomed into the greatness of His glory in heaven forever & ever!!!!! Like Psalm 49:15 says, "God will redeem my soul from the power of the grave, for He shall receive me."

What a powerful promise. And we can trust that God will remember this because He said "I will never leave you or forsake you." (Joshua 1:5) We are also reminded again of this through Deuteronomy 4:31 which says "The Lord your God is a merciful God. He will not abandon you, destroy you, or forget the promise to your ancestors that He swore He would keep."

What an amazing & powerful God we serve, that His Son would not be held by the grave, but would rise to life. And even more that He would offer that life to us as well as we trust in Him to sustain us throughout our life here on earth & as we pass on to eternal life with Him. Happy Easter & Praise be to Christ who is no longer bound by death but has freed himself & claims us up with Him. Hallelujah!

Mercies through Disappointments?

2011-04-15T23:41:00.002-05:00

(Recently I started reading a book called "Better Than my Dreams: Finding What you Long for Where you Might not Think to Look" by Paula Rinehart. Some of these thoughts stem from the first chapter.)

I've often pondered the ideas of expectations....the ones we have for ourselves & the ones placed upon us by those around us. Well what about the ideas & expectations we have about God and his plans for us?

Not often have I heard people speak openly about these expectations that we put on God or assume that He should fulfill for us....expectations that He will prosper us, give us a great life, save us from every pain. But though we don't say it out loud most days, inside I'm sure many of us have at least a little bit of expectation that those things should come to pass, and when they don't, when things don't work out the way we think they should, we're a little disappointed. Do you agree?

Well here's a thought...."Disappointment is strangely enough, a doorway to the real adventure. It's the point where you start to leave behind most of your notions of how your story should read--and enter your relationship with God as a journey." But somedays when I get to a point like this, I don’t always think about the “great journey” ahead...sometimes I pout, and mourn over what disappointment or grief I’ve just been handed over. Sometimes I think like the author of Lamentations does when he wrote in 3:17-20 “...my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.”

We probably all get here at one point or another, but “...who among us travels very far in life without running headlong into the gap between what we hoped for and what came to pass?” We are not alone, there are many others who’ve had unfulfilled expectations. Have you come to that gap? I have. Multiple times. I thought certain things should have happened by now, or people who were in my life would have been doing something different, or that I would have been something different, but it just isn't so. When these things don't work out the way we want them to, pain inevitably follows....or at least in many cases.

But. (what a great word.) BUT we can continue reading in Lamentations 3:21-24, which reminds us of something greater & even more sure than the fact that not all our hopes will come to pass....the fact lies in this statement: “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.'"

Our hope can be found in the Lord. Why it is only there that we can find peace, and confidence when our expectations of God & the life He has for us doesn’t seem to make sense. When we are disappointed, just remember that God didn’t promise us a perfect ride here on earth. This is the part that will be hard, that we have to endure, journey through & trust Him for his provision. We live in a broken world & cannot expect that everything will go according to our plan. It won’t. It’s not how life works.

Yet like Lamentations says, God will not disappoint. He is faithful to be with us through these hardships. He holds the bigger picture that we cannot yet see. He will be faithful to us and renew us every morning with his love. He will sustain us and give us hope in our journey, and adventure where we may find something we didn’t think we would find.

In the Furnace

2011-04-10T11:36:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, I was driving home through the dark winding roads of the country, and some song came on about us being in the dark, and needing only Christ to comfort us. I didn't have anything to write down the name of the song, so I'm sorry that I can't tell you about that more, but....another thought came through my mind as I listened.

The story of Shadrach, Meeshack & Abednego came to mind. Three Godly men, probably late teens, trying to live & work amidst the palace, in one of the most powerful kingdoms yet to date. It wasn't a Godly place, and not an easy life for them, captured and put into servitude. Their faith in God was tested multiple times, and they remained true to their God.

What struck me though, was specifically the story about the fiery furnace. The king had made a statue, and ordered everyone to bow down to worship it when the music was proclaimed. Out of all the people in the palace yard & I suspect most of the kingdom (if not all) there were only three that did not bend their knees to the idol. Yes, the three young men, stubborn in faith, refused to bow down.
When summoned to the king, he gave them one more chance which they refused, and boldly proclaimed that God would be with them and even if he DIDN'T save them, that they still would only worship the One true God.

Astonished & enraged, the king ordered the fire seven times hotter, and had them thrown into the furnace to extinguish this disobedience towards him. What came next was more shocking than their disobedience...the king looked towards the fire (surely in his pride to see his power smite them) and to his wonder, he saw four men in the fire, rather than the three that were ordered to die, and they were walking around none the less, not dying. He said that the fourth man looked like a "son of the gods". Apparently he was a curious fellow and wanted to see how these men didn't die (and probably trying to figure out who the fourth man was). They came out of the fire untouched. Their hair, skin, everything was just as it was before they had entered, and the miracle commanded awe from the king and everyone around.

What I thought about here, was that the three had to enter the fire, before it was clear to those outside that God was with them. Their attitudes of boldness were clear that their trust was in God, but those who didn't know God weren't able to fully see it until they were thrown into the fire. Then and only then did the fourth "man" appear. I wonder about this, as we who trust in God seem to be thrown into fires of our own, occasionally and sometimes daily. We have faith, and know that we don't need another trial to understands God's strength again, but what if those trials we suffer are not for us but for those around us? What if we are thrown into the fire to show God's strength and power to the doubtful eyes that look after us?

There's no doubt that God's power was with the three men before the fire, but it was only during that He was clearly seen. Hm. Dwell on this with me today, as we wonder about the fires we are living and surviving in. Where is the God we trust in? How is he using this fire to show others that He is real? How can we be open to the flames that seem to engulf us but trust that they will not consume us?

Day 1.5

2011-03-22T14:34:00.000-05:00

Well, we made it. And we're very tired, about to sleep the 2nd night. Yesterday, as usual, I had my "mishaps" at the airport.....aka....our plane was late, then my luggage was left in Amsterdam, then because of all that, our car guy wasn't there to pick us up because he left!!! Then we he did come back, we got a parking ticket because we left the car while we waited to get our luggage! Oh my. Yes, so I've committed my first crime in Europe and I wasn't even there for 24 hours! Oi.

The home we're staying in is beautiful! It currently houses 4-5 girls (having trouble remembering) from the orphanage, but most are my age or older...funny. The two missionaries & their daughter live here as well, and share the upstairs with their Romanian parents. It's wonderful to be part of this family for a few days! We celebrated their little daughter's first birthday today, and do you know what the grandpa gave her for a present? A swingset.....made by hand!!! He was chopping wood when we pulled in last night. It's beautiful.

We also got to walk into town to run some errands, and saw what the girls' do for work...which is make greeting cards to sell! They're beautiful cards! (as you can see, I'm short on vocabulary....all i can say is that things are beautiful.)

Anyway, I made a few new friends today, and had fun hearing about all the girls & missionaries do here. SO cool. Okay, i need to sleep. Goodnight!!

As I head out

2011-03-20T15:26:00.000-05:00

I'm remembering a verse given to me a few weeks ago, thinking about how God has drawn me towards orphaned, abandoned, rejected & displaced...here is a great verse from Isaiah 54:2-3, which says, "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."

As a family in Christ, let's open our tents, stretch the curtains wide, welcoming in all those who have no family, no inheritance, no future or hope of one. Let's together see how we can become brothers and sisters to these beautiful children,....through our heavenly Father!

.....pray for our health, travel safety, wisdom & common sense! Argh. AND....pray that our knowledge of the foreign language will come back readily to our minds! Thanks! --Tyler & Alissa

Prayer journaling 2/4

2011-03-12T21:11:00.001-06:00

I haven't been feeling great this week, and am all out of great writing....temporarily at least. But here are some verses I'm praying through this week. Feel free to comment your thoughts on these or other verses that you've been praying through also! :)

Ephesians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

Psalm 32:5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 ...give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 7:7-11 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Dressed in Striped Pajamas

2011-03-02T21:24:00.005-06:00

Tonight I was sick....slightly, but feeling not quite myself just the same. I knew I wanted to blog tonight, since much has been floating around my mind, but it wasn't until just this moment that I really knew what I wanted to say.

This month I'm going on a journey of prayer journaling....and before I began writing tonight, I wanted to "relax" and watch a movie. Well I chose the movie "Boy in Striped Pajama's". If you've seen it, you know that it leaves you feeling very sad, sad for the world, for the boy, for the times when we just don't know any better.... and it makes me want to pray.

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:8) If you know anything about the holocaust, you know that there were many, many people who cried out to God, seeking His help, protection, wisdom & mercy. God wants us to do this, to pour out our hearts to him when we are scared, ashamed, unsure & hurting. He will protect us, though sometimes He protects our hearts & souls over our earthly bodies.

We know this is true, that God desires to hold us in his Hands, and that He will answer us and come to us because of what Christ testified by his mouth..."'Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need. So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”'

And yet, sometimes we have to walk through horrendous situations. The people of the holocaust were thrust into something they had little to no control over, they were tortured, beaten, starved, mocked and killed for just daring to live as people that Christ created them to be. Many of them lost hope, feeling abandoned....but still there were some, like Corrie Ten Boom who saw her situation in the prison camps, as a time that she could tell others about God & his mercy. She understood what is written about in 2 Corinthians 2:14 where it says "But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ's triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere." She, being lead as a captive into a place shrouded by death, held to her faith and overcame the smell of flesh with the fragrance of everlasting life. ..... A faith like that deserves pause. ..... A faith like that, is one to make you wonder about the God who calls a witness like her out...He is a mighty God, a faithful God, an everlasting God.

Finally, as we seek him, praise him, confess our fears and hopes to him, we will see...maybe not today, but one day we will see...what His glorious plans for our lives will be. It is then and on our journey to that end, that we can joyfully sing with David through Psalms 30:11-12, "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever." Amen.

Prayer Journaling in March!!

2011-02-23T17:17:00.000-06:00

So I'm going to do something new this month, and would love any of you to join me! For the next four weeks of March(starting next Wednesday), I will be choosing one verse from each of the sections below and using those verses to help me in my prayers. Then I'll write here which verses I chose, and if I had any thoughts or prayer requests or answered prayers! SO....why don't you join me? Let's do this together. Choose verses from the list below or ones you can find on your own, and then post your thoughts as comments! (and if you want to start posting now, let me know that you're going to do this, and if there are prayer requests!) Yay! I'm excited to pray with you!

ADORATION: Hebrews 13:15, Psalm 22:27, 1 Chronicles 16:25, Psalm 30:11-12, Psalm 75:5-6,14, Ephesians 1:3

CONFESSION: Romans 3:23, James 5:16, Psalm 51:1, 1 John 1:9, Psalm 62:8, Psalm 32:5

THANKSGIVING: 1 Chronicles 16:34-36, Daniel 2:23, 1 Timothy 1:12, 1 Timothy 4:4, Psalm 75:1, Psalm 106:1, 1 Corinthians 15:57, 2 Corinthians 2:14, 1 Thessalonians 5:18

SUPPLICATION: Jeremiah 17:14, Luke 11:5-13, Matthew 17:14-20, Matthew 26:39, Matthew 7:7-11, Jeremiah 29:13, Matthew 15:22-28

It's on it's way!!

2011-01-29T17:36:00.000-06:00

Walking, Stumb...

By Alissa M. Foreman

Book Preview

I ordered my book today! It should be here mid-February, but that shouldn't stop you from checking it out ahead of time! Feel free to browse the preview, and order one for yourself if you feel so led! :) I can't wait! It's so exciting to share this with you!

Sunrise to Sunset

2011-01-21T11:20:00.000-06:00


I am the LORD, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me, ⁶ so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting people may know there is none besides me. I am the LORD, and there is no other. --Isaiah 45:5-6

This morning, as I do many mornings, I watched the sunrise develop into something exquisite over the frozen lake. It shone bright orange, purple & blue streaks which each contrasted with the others so vibrantly. I'm not sure why, but watching a sunrise or sunset like the one this morning always reminds me of God's faithfulness. It's like he's there, trying to remind us that from beginning to end, He is there. He will be faithful. Though the day might bring hardship, toil & pain, He remains. He draws us towards him, to find beauty within his creation, to find beauty within the day He has created for us. He wants us to know that He is bigger than whatever is out there, whatever we go through, whatever we face....He is with us. He is in the dark, in the light, in the wind and in the calm. He is there and will always be pursuing us to bring us towards His loving arms. The colors of this sunset are like the many facets of God's character. He is both loving, just, compassionate, holy, gentle & yet we should fear Him. Oh how all those facets and colors come together to form such a wonderful picture of who God is, and that we can be reminded of it every morning and every evening....that God is faithful.

New Year, New Day

2011-01-14T14:05:00.000-06:00

Well here we find ourselves in a new year, a new day, thinking about what it will bring and what last year left behind. The new year is a time of new beginnings, and sometimes bitter ends.

I think about this time last year, and how I had so many hopes for the year, so much ambition. Many of those things came to fruition, and many of those slipped silently into the forgotten places of life. There were a lot of things last year that happened unexpectedly. No matter how I might have planned for the year, I wouldn't have guessed certain things, both good & bad. I put together some resolutions, and stuck with them for the most part....but this year I've come to a new "resolution" of sorts.

I'm not going to make a resolution, since most of them get broken anyway. What I do want to do though, is to live each day. That's it. Simply try to be present to each moment that presents itself. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6) I'm going to try not to be anxious about what is up ahead.

"...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Joshua 1:5b) I will try to remember that God is with me, even when it seems like I'm alone.

"You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me." (Psalm 139:2-5) I will try to rest in the knowledge that each moment is held by my Father above.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) I will try to understand that everything will come in time.

This year above all, I need to learn to rest in Him. Take each and every day in itself, seeking how I can best serve God, seeking ways that I can honor Him and make choices to lead others closer to knowing Him. As I try to grow closer in that relationship this year, I want to keep His words close to my heart. Hudson Taylor said it well...read this & remember that while we continue to walk this life, do not forget to rest. For it is by Christ's power that we will survive this year....."But how to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting on the Faithful one: As i read, I saw it all! 'If we believe not, he abideth faithful!' I looked to Jesus and saw (and when I saw, oh, how joy flowed!) that He has said, 'I will never leave Thee!' 'Ah, there is rest!' I thought. I have striven in vain to rest in Him. I'll strive no more. For has not He promised to abide with me--never to leave me, never to fail me?"

A Christmas Hope

2010-12-22T16:06:00.002-06:00

This past week, my Papa & I were asked to sing Christmas carols at a local assisted living home. We accepted the invitation, and began to choose songs that we wanted to share. He would play the mandolin, and we would both sing. We thought how nice it would be to have my younger brother play his guitar with us, and thought he probably wouldn't want to but we asked anyway. You see, because my mom was such a support to Tyler & his music, he hasn't really wanted to pick up his guitar since she passed away. It was an absolutely delightful shock to me to hear that he wanted to play with us! I was so happy!

We stood up in front of the older crowd of residents, barely having practiced singing together except for the five minutes prior, and began to sing. My dad would tie in meanings of Christmas and thoughts from the carols we'd sing. During one of the first songs, we sang something about the angels singing with us, or seeing us from afar. At that moment, I imagined my mom crying in heaven, not with sadness but with delight, to see the three of us together, singing & playing music together. I thought about how happy she would have been to hear us all together, and how pleased she would be that we didn't pass on singing.

This all led to another thought....one of hope. I wanted to have my mom with me so quick right then, pinching back tears that screamed to be set free from the confines of my eyes. Yet in that same instant, the hope arose that I will see her again soon, and it is because of the birth that we were singing about that I could have that hope. It was a future hope of a fulfilled promise. A promise God revealed many thousands of years ago, that was brought to fulfillment through the birth of Christ.

Through the Spirit, Mary a humble girl said "yes" to doing God's will, for waiting on Him to provide a miracle through her. An unsettling situation to be sure, she waited with hope that God would be true to His word once again. When Jesus was born a joy filled her & spilled out to each of us through the Son. We can have joy in the hope that His birth proclaims. There is now a way for us to be joined to the Father. What a thing to celebrate, what an act of love, bringing joyful hope to a people stirred with unrest.

His birth brought love to the world, joy to the heart, hope to the mind and peace to our soul. Though some days we all feel unloved, discouraged, defeated & distressed, we can know that God LOVES us, and because of that love we can find JOY because God gave PEACE to our tormented souls, which reminds us of the HOPE that Christ's birth brings. So this Christmas, let's celebrate, I mean REALLY celebrate, not only the birth of Christ, but everything that His birth represents!

We have a Winner!!!

2010-12-01T16:27:00.000-06:00

Drumroll please.........

Jenny H!!!

Somehow, this seems fitting. I had another friend draw from the names, and Jenny's name came up! This is fitting because she & I have spoken many times about writing books & about our life stories...Jenny herself is putting together a book & I cannot wait to read it. So. Congratulations Jenny on winning a copy of my soon to be book!

To everyone else, please keep going through this journey with me, as you include me in your journey as well!! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

--A

First EVER "Walking Stumbling" CONTEST!!!

2010-11-17T09:47:00.001-06:00

There's a contest a'brew'n & you can be a part of it! Prompted by many of you, I've decided to put together a bunch of my "best" or favorite blog posts, and make a book out of them! And one lucky reader will get their own copy!! Lucky you! ;)

What I need from YOU are your opinions & votes!!

Here are the rules for this contest---
1. Become (if you're not already) a follower to the blog....if you want to win, I have to know who you are!
2. Comment on this post with the title of the blog or blogs you enjoyed the most (or made you think the most)
3. Watch for an update on December 1st to see if you've won!!!

I'll be taking all of you who comment, (that are followers) and drawing a name for the winner! It'll be a hard cover, image wrap book!! (And if you want...I might even sign it for you!) Voting is OPEN! So get voting!

Deep love, Deep hurt

2010-11-16T10:43:00.001-06:00

The past few months, the thought of a deeper love equaling deeper hurt, has been on my mind. This is not to say that deeper love inevitably hurts, or that you shouldn't be willing to love deep, but that when you are vulnerable to deeply love, that same vulnerability opens yourself to be feel much more pain if & when you are hurt by something or someone.

This happens to us as people, but it also intrigues me in our love relationship with God. "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) "My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20)"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."(1 John 4:16)

If God loved us THAT much, that He would give us His only son, that He would live in us, that God is synonymous with love in the way that if we love, we are in Him, that's powerful. That's a deep love, that's an amazing love. "This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." (1 John 4:10)

So can you imagine with me then, that through God's love for us, incomprehensibly deep & devoted, that when we hurt or when we turn from Him, either way....just think of how much He must hurt with us & for us. "In all their suffering he also suffered,..." (Isaiah 63:9) It says in the Bible how God suffers with us...and if the greater the love the greater the pain can be, I can only imagine that God suffers greatly over each & every one of us, longing for us to come near to Him, to dwell in Him, to be comforted by Him & to understand His love for us. He mourns with us, but doesn't stay inactive...He comes after us. Isaiah goes on to say "...and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years."

Through all the years....forever, ....loving us deeply, holding us in our pain, hurting for us when we walk away, His love never fades. "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease." (Lamentations 3:22) This gives me hope, confidence & full assurance that when I hurt, I am not alone. It also reminds me that as much as I am able to love, He is able to love more fully, more completely, more intimately than I will ever understand, and that through our doubt, questioning, longing for answers, that He loves us still. Be confident in this: "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (Ephesians 3:17-19)

Aged Cheese

2010-11-14T15:36:00.001-06:00

A week ago, my dad brought home some sharp cheddar cheese, one of his favorites...this particular cheese though was a bit more special than normal because it was 12 year-old aged cheddar....that's pretty old cheese I thought. And cool too, just because I think stuff like that is cool, for no reason.

Okay, now I'm 26 years old, and that cheese is 12 years old, that means that when I was 14, someone decided to put this cheese away & wait 12 years to serve it. For 12 years that cheese sat there, wherever that may be, waiting for just the right moment to come out & be served. Had it only sat for a few years, it probably still would have been good, but have you ever eaten 12 year-old aged cheddar? It's amazing...it's good, it has a unique taste, etc. etc. Ha. I'm not really THAT crazy about cheese, but you gotta think about this in this other way...think about us as cheese. Laughing yet? Just hold on....

Psalm 139:13 & 16 says "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb....Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." This is amazing if you think about it, because God knew us, knew our every step & all about us before we even existed. Wow. That tells me that over 26 years ago, God knew that I would be typing this blog, where I'd be & that there must be a purpose to my life...to each of our lives!

Like a fine wine or a fine cheese, as we enter into the family of God, even before we entered the family of God, we were set aside for a purpose, we have been given a story, we have reason to live. Isn't that interesting though? To think of ourselves as in this waiting position, waiting to be taken off the shelf for God to use us? I don't think He is completely passive though, at some point this analogy breaks down because I think we're used here & there throughout our lives, but as it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." I wonder if that means that we won't die until God has fulfilled in us the purpose He has created us for. It is not until that point that we will finally see the Glory of God fulfilled & complete.

Just thoughts. It makes me appreciate the cheese a lot more though...:) Hope you can see it differently too. You are special, you're made with a purpose, you are loved, you are meant for something and no one can take away that meaning from you. You are God's child, designed intentionally to be who God purposed, to bring Glory to Him & reconcile you to Him in due time. Amen!!

A little something

2010-09-27T13:16:00.003-05:00

I just found the following, hidden away in my documents folder....not sure when I wrote it, but I wanted to share it with you today.

Like little seeds planted in the ground, the seed must die for a new plant to grow! It's like us....when we were ignorant to the grace of God, we lived for ourselves & though we may have done "good" in the eyes of the world, ultimately there was no purpose, no end goal that we could strive for, except for pleasure in ourselves & our works. Now, through the ultimate sacrifice of God's death & divine miracle of His resurrection, we have a hope of something else. We have something to live for, someone who died for us, and now we can live a new life, dedicated to honoring Him for the gift he's given us....freedom, forgiveness, faithfulness, fullness of life, a fearless way to live.

I want my earthly inheritance to be spent before it's stockpiled...I hope to give it away, and to bless those who may never be encouraged to take a step of faith into a life they never dreamed of. In Psalms 68, it talks about putting the lonely in families. Well, I've been given a family, but others have not. They are the lonely, and they can be part of our family...my family...God's family. The love, care & provision that I have been blessed with all my life, can be someone else's if you or I care enough to share it with them. Sharing not only the practical things like food, shelter, & water, but God's blessings of love, acceptance, forgiveness & encouragement.

Wherever I go, whoever I become, this is the person I want to be: I want to be someone who serves others, who cares about the people who are rejected from society, who is involved with missions, who goes wherever I’m needed so I can meet a need, someone who seeks God first, who is unashamedly Christian, who gives all that I am to love on people, & listening at all times.

A quiet Joy

2010-09-21T12:34:00.001-05:00

In the past two years, there have been multiple things that have upset the flow of my life. Some would say this just IS life....the constant upsetting, twisting, lurching, occasional lull and then surprises once again. I agree with this, but I think you know what I mean when you feel like your "nice little life" is turned upside down! Even though crazy things are what make up our life, somewhere we feel like.....it's the "normal" days that should comprise the most of it? I don't know if this makes sense....but stick with me.

I've been challenged to look at joy in my life, and here is what I can say....for those of you reading who don't know me well, in 2008 my dear friend gave her life trying to save another camper, and both died tragically over a large waterfall...a few months later, my grandma passed away after a 5 year fight against cancer...a few months after that, my dad had triple by-pass surgery following a motorcycle accident...and a few months after that, my mom was diagnosed with Leukemia...leading to this March, when she met Jesus at home in heaven. That's part of my backstory...I'm not telling you this so that you pity me, or on the flip say...she has no idea what kind of pain I've been through, I just want you to know that I can to some extent say with assurance that I can empathize with pain...and we can be connected through that. These trials are not the things that make me unique, nor does it for anyone else....but it is the way we respond to these situations that really define who we are, and what we are made of. ....so back to Joy....

"Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help. You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:10-12)

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (Psalm 51:12)

Joy to me, is the confidence I have in knowing that God, the eternal and all knowing, all powerful God will sustain me throughout whatever trials must be faced on this earth. Having this trust in his unfailing mercy, brings me joy....understanding that though times can be tough, He is still faithful, He is still strong, He will sustain me and hold me up when I feel like falling. This joy is freedom in Christ, knowing that when I cannot make it, He will continue the work that he began in me. It is not something that I can do, or stir up, or make grow inside of me....it is something that God reminds me of at the right moment of need...He reminds me that I am not alone, and that there is hope for a future in Him and in that hope I can find joy because my present moment is not the end...it's not final and God will be with me in every situation, at every moment....forever.

This to me, is how joy is seen. It is in the reassurance of God's unfailing love that I am able to relax in His arms and revel in joy despite the raging seas pounding against my soul. His joy will give me strength.

"Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of his salvation for his Anointed one." (Psalm 28:6-8)

Not what it seems....

2010-09-14T13:57:00.001-05:00

"How am I going to be able to grow up without a mom to tell secrets to?" ....this is just one of many quotes that have made me tear up today.... I've been put in a lot of tough situations recently, that are forcing me to make decisions that right now I feel I cannot make. It's like life is asking me to become a new person, one that I don't know about, and one that I don't necessarily want to be. I guess it's all part of growing up, but wow...growing pains have never burned so much.

To a large degree, our family & friends that we have relationships with make up a large part of our identity. When we lose them, we lose a part of our identity too....I've recently heard this termed like an amputation of the familiar self. Who we were with them, is not going to be who we are without them. It's like....a normal life loss of something like...adolescence, or a job, or moving away...the loss is like a broken arm that takes a while to heal and the pain real but it will eventually heal. However, catastrophic loss....death of a parent, sibling, friend, child, whoever...is like an amputation...not just a broken arm. It will never come back or be completely healed, and you'll always have phantom feelings of the limb that once was there but no longer remains.

I guess this is all part of growing up and growing into who I will be...though it feels different than I thought it would. You never imagine these things to come, and you'd never imagine the consequences that would follow...everyone is different and we're all trying to become a new different together, yet still individually. Some people make choices for themselves that affect just them, and other make choices that lead to more and more choices for other people. It's all very difficult, and hard.....

Wishing that I had some verses right now to write about, but I'm too empty to seek them out today. If you're reading this...what are some verses that have helped you grow into who you are today? I'm curious.....because I just feel like I have no idea where my life is going, and it's hard to really go day to day when you don't have a direction. :)

Walking into the Dark

2010-09-07T12:46:00.001-05:00

This weekend, I received a new book in the mail. If you're like me, you'll know that a delivery like this is like Christmas! I love getting packages in the mail, even when they're expected. You might remember me writing about another book called "The Adventure" by Jerry Sittser....well, this book is also by him, but it is titled "A Grace Disguised--How the Soul Grows Through Loss". Because I've enjoyed reading "The Adventure" three times through, I figured this new book would also be a good read. Well so far....I'm hooked. Here are some of my thoughts from the weekend....

Something that he says early on, is that the darkness of grief is inescapable & is something we must face alone. We know as Christians that we do not have to do this completely alone, but the journey inside is personal and one that cannot be walked by any another human. One struggle for many (as well as myself) is that we tend to walk away from the darkness and chase the fading light of our hope. The joy we see disappearing beyond the horizon. To that struggle, this quote struck me--"...the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise."

Wow. I think most of us "know" that we are supposed to face pain head on, to walk towards it despite the hurt that continues & sometimes grows worse over time....but too often I fill it with other things, or turn away, or put off until I'm "more ready" to face it, all the while staying in the dark, holding onto the last glimmer of light that has so recently seemed to vanish. Staying here though, holds the light at bay, and refuses to see that only through the darkness can you see light again.

Sittser says, "The decision to face the darkness, even if it led to overwhelming pain, showed me that the experience of loss itself does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us." This really spoke to me....once again I am reminded that we ALL have trials, we ALL have situations that are overwhelming...that doesn't make us unique, it doesn't separate us from everyone else because it's something we all go through. But the choices we make in response to these difficult situations, are what define us & make us who we are....they define who we will become. "We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given."

Isaiah 41: 9-10, 18 says, "I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.....I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs." This gives me hope...knowing that when I was in darkness, hidden in the furthest corners of the earth, Christ came to find me. He brought me out of that depth & into the light. If Christ has done this once, we can hold fast that He WILL do it again.
I'll leave off today with this last quote from Sittser, "In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed. But there also character is made. The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making."

Let's journey together through the darkness, alone & yet together, to run towards the light that we yet are waiting to see. May we trust that God is with us to protect us & hold us though our hearts ache with pain & our limbs shutter with fear. He will give us wings as eagles and feet like deer, able to stand on rocky ground.

Who can I trust?

2010-08-24T13:55:00.001-05:00

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You, I will trust in You, I will trust in You. When I am afraid, I will trust in You in God whose word I praise." (Psalm 56:3-4) This song keeps playing over & over in my head....it's a child's memory song that I learned long ago, and thankfully it comes up on days like today, when I just question....who can I trust when I am down & unsure?

The verse goes on to say, "what can mortal man do to me" and....to that, I know there is nothing that they can really do.....but there is still pain from their choices & deeds against us.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:8)....but I ask that you "Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in You." (Psalm 143:7-9)

...I guess I just don't know who to trust right now...things have been falling apart, people not living up to their word, so much junk around, that it's in times like these that I need to remember the one thing I know I can trust in is Christ. "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man...." (Psalm 118:8) This verse is being proven more and more each day.....just trust in Him....and when I am afraid....of the future, of people, of consequences, of everything....I need to be reminded that God will not fail me. "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal." (Isaiah 26:4)

Training Camp of Character

2010-08-11T10:54:00.001-05:00

This past week I photographed, watched and learned about the MN Vikings from a whole new perspective. A friend met me there mid-week, and admitted that this was never something she would have chosen to attend herself. I was glad to have her around though. During the practices, she sat on the bleachers & I ran around taking photos. One day as we walked away from the field, she mentioned something that has stuck with me the last few days. She told me about sitting in the bleachers, watching the team practice, and listening to the crowds cheer & root for them. They would praise the players who made a great catch, comment on the muscles someone had, cheer for a nice kick, etc...all encouraging the performance, abilities & physicality of a player. My friend noted that it's our society that praises these things, and that it's pretty common to do, but wondered what it would be like to live in a society that praised not the accomplishments necessarily but the character of the person before us.

Wow. Praise someone's character? That thought goes beyond winning or losing, but to the internal soul of what makes that person who they are, and the fruit that they are expressing. "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." (Hebrews 3:13) ...encourage one another, there's no group here, it seems pretty broad, it's to be for everyone...and what are the things we should encourage each other about? "...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...." (Galatians 5:22-23) These are the things that we should be praising...."Way to be gentle in that hard place", "You have such joy about this", "Your patience astounds me", etc. I'm getting excited just in writing this, to encourage someone today.

So what would it look like if we became a society that praised someone based on their character and not on their physical strength, skill or speed? How would that change people, and how would it effect each of us? Wouldn't you be strengthened inside to continue doing good & making decisions that would please our Heavenly Father? Let's be encouraged now, and freely give encouragement to those in whom we see Christ working through their character. Let's build each other up not only on our accomplishments but on who we are becoming through every situation & circumstance despite those accomplishments or failures. Let's let this life we live be a training camp of character, with the goal of heaven to drive us, so when we break camp, we can stand before the Father in bold confidence that he who began a good work in us continued through the end.

Anticipation

2010-07-30T11:42:00.001-05:00

Standing on the precipice of something extraordinary....or maybe just new, I cannot help but feel anticipation and eagerness to move forward, to feel whatever this is that the Lord is moving around in my life. Big pieces are moving, and slowly things are taking shape. I've been praying much the past few months of what does God have for me next. I am "content" where I am, yet some of the situations that surround me make me uncomfortable, and yes I do realize that uncomfortableness can grow you....however this type of uncomfortable is the kind that can kill you. So. What is it God, what will it be? Where will it be? When will it be?

Looking forward, I cannot help but look back as well...I recently saw this verse at one of the 5 funerals I've attended in the last few weeks..."The memory of the righteous will be a blessing...." (Proverbs 10:7a). What a blessing that I have been given through all of the people in my life & now who have passed on to the next. One of my favorite kids books, tells the story of an old woman who refuses to name things that she knows she will outlive. So the puppy that starts to visit her daily goes without a name until at one point he stops coming & she believes she has lost him forever. Through his visits, she has grown to love him...and when the dog pound guy asks what the lost puppy's name is, she thinks back over all her friends that she had outlived, and realized just how lucky she was, and decided then to name the dog "lucky". As I look for what this new thing is that God is stirring, I want to bring the memories of the righteous people in my life with me...they will be in me and their memories will live through me, in whatever place I land.

Eleanor Roosevelt, in my mind one of the greatest inspirational women to ever live, said this..."The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." That's what I'm trying to do.....reaching out to find whatever is out there, whatever God has that holds a rich newness to it. His redeeming & loving character will provide that, in his way. Hm. How are we, am I, living that is tasting His will to the utmost, am I reaching out eagerly & without fear? Will I remember the past with a blessed feeling? I will, and I will try to take steps in faith to be one of those women who live without fear of the future, to be confident in the hope I have in Christ, and the boldness to follow wherever He may lead...seeing how He worked so vibrantly in the lives of my loved ones past, and fully trusting that He will do the same in me.

Total Restoration in Progress

2010-07-24T18:19:00.001-05:00

This is my new life statement. Total restoration in progress. Think about this with me. As I walked down the old & classic looking streets of downtown St. Paul, there's a place called the Coney Island Cafe. It says it opened in 1923, and now there is plastic sheets over the windows & dirt in the doorway. But a tiny little sign tells you that there is a "total restoration in progress". When you peek into the windows, you can see the old bar stools, the juke box in the middle of the dining room, old booths made from dark wood...signs of a past that has been lived and worn down. Signs that at one time this little shop was something...it was made to be something, but has gotten dirty, old, been shut off from the outside & has lost life inside the walls.

As I walked away from the cloudy window, I pictured my own life like that little cafe. Parts of my life have been dusty, abandoned, been shut off from the outside & lost life. I thought about how many of us when going through difficult things will grow tired of visiting those places inside of us, and pretty soon they're closed for business, not something we easily remember, and not something any one would want to go back to.

But Christ, in his ever visioning perspective & will, sees that old place and sees the potential that is still held within. He comes inside of that place, and puts up a sign "total restoration in progress". Total....not one spot untouched, taking everything into the process. Restoration.....taking all those parts, every single spec & restoring it to the original design, the original intent & vibrant life. In Progress......an ongoing process, active & not sedentary, forward moving towards a goal, a developing of sorts.

Isn't our life in Christ a "total restoration in progress"? Will we ever reach a finished state until Christ says come home? And how would we be totally restored if we do not allow him into every little nook & cranny of our being?

When you see a place that has been totally restored to it's original state, is it not a beautiful sight? Something you want to behold, take in, soak up, relish, applaud, appreciate & marvel at? Are we not usually wanting to give recognition to the hard work that the restorer has accomplished? Do we not look at all the tiny details that the crafter took time to meticulously finish? Why then would we not recognize the work that Christ would like to do in us, a more than fully capable master who knows the ins & outs of us better than we know ourselves. Should we not then give him the keys to every part of us and especially the dark & dusty parts so that we can be fully restored to the life that Christ meant for us to live out?

Eggs & Toast

2010-07-22T10:10:00.001-05:00

Today is my birthday. I'm 26. I'm now over the hump on my way to 50. haha. This morning I woke up to an overcast sky....something I love in the morning. My dad made me scrambled eggs, toast with apple butter, fresh cherries & strong coffee. It was great. As I took probably my third bite of eggs though.....he said, "If mom was here, she'd make this really special for you." Obviously I lost it.

It's now 10 o'clock & I've been crying off & on since 7. What is it about those little things, simply having a little breakfast of eggs & toast that gives you thoughts of your mom? He was right, and suddenly those eggs & toast didn't taste as good...they weren't something I really wanted because all I really wanted was to have my mom here. This is the first birthday I've ever spent without her. Even when I celebrated my 20th birthday in NYC, my family flew out to visit me. When I had a birthday on tour in Missouri, my sweet 16, my parents drove down to celebrate with me.

Birthdays are always big days. I like to make them special for other people, and I always want to do something big for my own simply because it's a great excuse to do something extraordinary. Here are some extraordinary things I've learned this year......You can always expect the unexpected, People mean much more than possessions, Miracles do still happen, Spur of the moment is usually more fun than something long awaited, When all doors seem closed look up because there might be a skylight, Sunsets over the ocean are meant to be enjoyed on land, Don't think things are always too good to be true, Dare to love and have courage to hurt, Do not settle, and Appreciate any opportunity that comes your way.

This is just my morning birthday thought. I've other more "spiritual" things that I'll write about later. Enjoy the day!

No Parking or Stopping

2010-06-22T22:48:00.001-05:00

^{This afternoon, I found myself hidden, in a small patch of grass, mesmerized by the trees, the breeze, the heat & the deep hurt of a friend....of their deep hurt, and how I hurt because I know they hurt. As I sat, I looked towards the road, and saw this common sign "No Parking or Stopping."}

^{I see these signs all the time, we all do & are often frustrated with the thoughts of "why not," or "it'll just be a second," or "someone else is parked there....maybe I can get away with it too." But today, as I looked at the sign, and thought about this woman, friend, co-worker.....I thought of how God often tells us that earth itself is a "No Parking or Stopping" zone.}

^{Stay with me....it says in Philippians 3:20 that "...our citizenship is in heaven." Does this mean we're not made for this earth? We're made for something else, right? Heaven? To glorify God ultimately...but that earth, where our God has placed us, is just temporary, right? We're not supposed to just stay here. This isn't our end point. We can't just stop, or park here on earth....we need to keep moving...especially when times get bad.}

^{"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. SO we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16)}

^{I do not appreciate the knowledge that the troubles we endure here, is "achieving an eternal glory"....I want the beauty now...I want to stop, enjoy the roses, whatever. Yet the truth is, that God is and will use these times to make His glory seem even more beautiful to us once we are united with Him. What we experience here, is temporary....it's something that will pass away, that we need to not stop at. We cannot allow these things to stop us....though we may want to...we need to remember the "No Parking" sign. This is not the end. There is more....}^{Philippians 3:20 goes on to say "And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body."}

These bodies, the ones we are wasting away in....the old, the fat, the frail, the weak, the worn down bodies that we are in...are only traveling clothes. There is more to hope for, though right now it is hard to see. It is painful to look for. But don't stop....keep going.

Never stop waiting for God

2010-06-16T00:04:00.001-05:00

Well how do I begin to tell you just how amazed I am each day that I am alive, at the miraculous & strange ways in which our God works? Most days it's mundane, some days slightly boring. But occasionally, and more often than I would admit to enjoy, I get an unusual & exciting adventure. The last few days has been an occasion of that sort.

In the middle of a weekend night, I was startled with a call that my home had been broken into. Despite my prayers, my computer & external hard drives were stolen. To some, this would merely mean a few lost papers, maybe some pictures or your running music. To me....it was all the photos from my travels, the family pictures of my now lost mother, the memories of clients' babies & vows. The horror devastated me. It was ironic in the ways that I had been telling people how my neighborhood was "just fine," and how I had just read about how in David's painful or frightened waiting he found ways to praise God.

I sat stunned, lost, robbed & unsure of the future. The Lord reminded me to trust Him & not in the things I had lost. It was an understood message, one I "knew" but didn't enjoy knowing. But still, the praise was needed to Him.....so I thanked Him for keeping Lisa & I away from home that night because we were SAFE, I thanked Him for clean robbers because our home wasn't TRASHED, I thanked Him for grace because my clients were FORGIVING. All these things to be thankful for. Yes, I was angry at what had been done, but thankful for God's protection....I still had a home to sleep in.

My friends at church prayed for me. I'm sure many people did. For protection still, and also that something would turn up. Monday was the worst. It hit me that I would never see those photos again, that someone had been in my house, taken valuables from me, probably sold them, had probably watched me for a while & might be back. The Bible study I'm in helped to take away those thoughts that evening though.....through prayer & some late night fellowship I celebrated the people who surrounded me & the God who provided them.

Monday evening, my brother came back to my house so I did not have to be alone. He let me log-in online with his computer (since mine obviously was "out of service"). Trying to get online I realized that the thieves had also stolen my router. Dumb. I figured it out though, and went to Facebook to update some folks. Right away, I saw that I had a friend request & an email from the same person who was unknown to me. Opening the email, my disbelief was stretched. A man told me that he had purchased a computer that weekend, and after he opened it up & looked around, he noticed that the "brand new" computer he bought was really some one else's....mine. He had found my computer! But the best was yet to come--he wanted to GIVE IT BACK!

Wait....what? Give it back? No questions asked? He said he understood what it felt like to have things taken, and that he wanted me to have it back. Tonight....I sit here, writing this story, as I sit in front of my previously stolen computer.

The last few months, the ponderings of what God requires of us....of me....has been on my mind. And this story cannot hide the fact that this is God's love lived out in action. This guy, innocently bought a computer, discovered there was something wrong and gave it back, without expecting anything in return, trusting God that this is what He would require of him. I think this is SUCH an awesome example. Trusting in God, waiting on Him to provide, to protect, to restore & to renew a hope in His awesome love.

My life never ceases to amaze me....and neither does my God.

A little shift.

2010-06-10T14:12:00.001-05:00

I think something has changed. Temporarily? It's possible. But changed? Definitely. A friend asked me very cautiously, if since my mother's death I looked at dying differently. To that I had an emphatic response of "yes...I'm not afraid of it at all." I realize that as a believer, there's no reason to fear death, but sometimes it's not death you fear, but the unknown that surrounds it. The unanswerable questions that after the fact won't matter anyway.

I remember that when my friend Julie passed away, I was soon after on a trip to Mexico. There we visited Copper Canyon in Chihuahua. There was one cliff that we saw, that had a large rock at the very tip. My friends discovered that the rock--rocked. You could stand on the rock & it would sway on the tip of the cliff. I wanted a picture out there, but decided I wasn't brave enough to stand on the edge, so I stayed on the "sturdy" rock in front. Immediately after they took my picture though, I changed my mind & decided I couldn't be that close & not stand at the edge. I quickly turned around, walked right out onto the rock & posed for a picture. Yes, I was probably about 200+ feet above the bottom of the canyon, with not much below me...not ANYTHING below me...but I realized that death didn't frighten me. Why not live life & be a little daring?

This is not nearly as near to the story I just told, but last night as I drove away from my home, I spied a beautiful antique settee on the curb. I wondered, pondered & decided to drive on. Then I had a little twinge...why not turn around & see. I turned a right and went around the block, pulled up in front of a quaint little house, walked up to the door & knocked. After a few minutes of curious knocking, a girl my age welcomed me with a big smile. I asked about the couch & she vibrantly answered "You like it? It's yours. Think it'll fit in your car?" Huh. See how easy that I was I thought? What did that hurt to ask?

That part of me ...that is sometimes timid & nervous, is changing. I'm growing bolder, braver....little by little. It's a good change, a welcomed change. I'm finding joy in this, and can't wait to see what else awaits!

Wait & Trust

2010-06-07T17:47:00.001-05:00

Our faith has to be in the Lord, not in a desired outcome.

This can sometimes be a hard one for me to comprehend. Our faith has to be in the LORD, not in a desired OUTCOME. Our faith cannot be in the thing we desire to gain, do or receive...our faith must be in the Lord himself: the Giver, the Teacher, the Ruler of our life.

I'm reading this book called "Sacred Waiting"....read it. In the second chapter, it talks about Abraham, and how throughout Abraham's story, he was spoken to by God. God spoke directly to Abraham, and told him to leave his home, that his barren wife would have a child, that he would be the father of many nations & then one day God told Abraham that he would have to sacrifice the promised son. These are all difficult things to comprehend. How do you know when it's the right time to leave home? How long do you wait for a child? How can you give up the dream you've held onto for years? None of these things are easy, and none of these things should be done without God directing you. And if your faith is in the object of these questions....faith in your home, faith in your fertility, faith in a dream....then I believe our faith is misplaced.

When you drive a car, or wear a watch. You trust that that machine will work. Ultimately, you trust in the manufacturer of that machine. You trust that all the pieces were put together just right, even though you don't understand how valves, cranks, levers or batteries work together, you understand that the manufacturer & designer knows, and that according to them, if you turn on the watch, or drive the car, it should work. Your faith is in the creator, not really the car itself. In the same way....like Abraham, who left his home without knowing where God was calling him, but just left in faith that God would direct, we should allow our faith to only focus on God & to watch for His direction. To jump into the water & keep our eyes on Him....not sitting around waiting for Him to move, but moving & allowing him to direct our movements.

We may not know where God is leading us, but we still should follow. We may believe that He is guiding us one way, but He may direct us somewhere different. Yet if in the change of direction we are following Christ, then how will we go astray?

Another test...

2010-06-04T14:18:00.001-05:00

I don't know what to do.

Tonight was another test. Just how much will I be given to hold? The rain keeps pouring over the tear streaked face, too wet to remember what it feels like without tears. The winds feel cold across my face, but I long for them, to feel something….anything. How much Lord, must I suffer… how many deaths must I endure? So many lives, full of hope, of courage, of grace & strength, suddenly taken away. I realize that they live…in a time that I do not understand, hidden beyond my sight behind your great hands. I understand this, and I yearn to join them. I yearn to not be separated anymore from the people who have gone before me. I hurt so much and ache for them.

I sit here, and what I want, I cannot have. What I don't want, I have right now. The things that made me happy have come and gone. And the things that supposedly will make me happy again, I cannot see through the cloudy eyes of tears. There is a restless spirit within my ambiguous desires and sedentary day. What to do with myself, my life...my pain, and everything that is wrapped up within the three, forming a cord that seems to cut off life to my heart.

When oh Lord, will you come? When will you join with us again, joining us and the ones we love?

This last death, though a relationship not as prominent as my mother, has hit me low….it is so soon after my mother’s death, that I feel completely empty, void of anything, yet terribly in pain. There is too much sadness Lord, too much grief. What is your purpose, and why to us? Where will the pain end, and to what extent must it reach? I know there are no limits of your love, and you have limited death…for you will not be overcome by it. Yet how come I cannot always see the limits of death, or feel the limitless reach of your grasp? You need to touch me, to hold me, to comfort me, for I cannot live without your peace. Your grace is more than sufficient to hold the terrors that haunt me each day, but meet me now Lord, do not delay. For my heart wanes for you & aches with tremors.

The face behind the falls

2010-05-29T22:54:00.001-05:00

Many drum beats ago, when the East was still the West, the sky still one with the sea, love abounded. A man of sorts & a woman of sorts lived together in love, passion & peace. They dreamt together, about the worlds they could form, the colors & the textures, the depths & the heights. The two, better described as one, knew no time. They felt no presence except that of infinite love.

At once, which still was never, since there was no now....they, together as one came to a singular mind to fulfill their dreams of a land, a place where they could be...not the being that they currently or never or always knew, but a place that would contain them. A land that would be an icon of the beauty between them, the colors to describe their love, the texture to describe their emotion. The man of sorts & woman of sorts dreamed together to make a living substance that would please the other in themselves.

Secretly while unhidden they together formed themselves into something that the other could enjoy. The man of sorts changed to a winding thing, something that moved freely over the foundation they formed. He was invisible, but his presence could be felt by the other. The woman of sorts revealed herself as a form that rocked, swelled & crashed. The two lived abundantly, finding delight in each other, together, as a wind and wave.

Because they had separated the oneness of the two, time was created. It lay as a reminder of times past...drum beats in the distance. When they felt enough days had gone by and they desired to join together again as one, the time joked with them and promised that tomorrow it would allow the joining to resume. As time has told, it is a liar and cheat...never telling the truth, stealing some hours away and giving length to unwanted hours. Tomorrow turned into yesterday, and someday turning its face to one day never coming.

The wave of sorts pushed on the foundation, trying to raise herself into the sky, but it only made her fall into pools, raising other parts of the foundation into the heights of peaks. She waved to the tips, but still was unable to reach the air. The wind of sorts grabbed at the wave, trying to lift her into the heavens, but it was to no avail. He blew himself round, but it only stirred the waters & did nothing to the foundation.

The water and the wave saw that they had dreamed to love each other differently but never saw that the love they held before had been perfect. The waters found a secret place on the foundation, one unfound by time. There she pressed her face into the foundation & wept. She wept and wept so much that she filled the foundation with the sea. The wind met her there, and vowed to forever wipe her tears with his breath. Together they stay, her crying for her love & he caressing her cheek with his unending love.

To this day, you can see her face, behind the waterfall....

Something beautiful

2010-05-20T11:12:00.005-05:00

On the last day in Kauai, we took our little car and drove a long, winding and "hole-y" road to the summit. While the length of the road was only about twenty miles, it took nearly an hour to reach the destination. As we neared the end, mist filled our windows & clouded the glass. We took a short detour to a lookout further inland, which was suggested as a better view than the summit. Pulling into a small lot there were only a few other cars, mostly other hikers because we were the only people at the spot.

We walked to the edge of the overlook, to the fence that was the only thing that held us from the depths of a mile-high canyon drop. It didn't take until the fence to see the view before us....it captured us as soon as we stepped foot out of the car. There was a complete covering of fog. Past the fence was nothing but white. And as the sky was so bright, the air before us and above us melded into one perfectly spotless canvas. We sat on a table, submitting ourselves to the fact that we would see nothing of the canyon from there. This canyon we had seen from the air & from the sea, the canyon green with life, vivid with color, proud with height, this canyon we knew was merely feet from where we stood, was hidden fully from our view.

Sitting still on the table, for a few moments neither of us spoke, nor did any cars approach the lot or hikers exclaim. The only sounds that could be heard were birds echoing their praises & distant calls of the ocean shore, clapping with delight against the cliff walls. We sat there silent, feeling as though we were just out of reach of heaven....a perfect place of light, just beyond sight.

As I recalled this moment to a friend, she made a comparison to this "non-sight" to that of the lives Christ has for us....how we can be right on the edge of something beautiful, spectacular & breathtaking....and yet sometimes He hides it from us. It's not the right time for us to see what is there, what is coming next, what colors he's using, what form he's making, or where he'll bring us into. The beauty that he is forming is there...it's within reach, yet until He blows the clouds away, we cannot see. We can have faith in His will for our future, and that our future is with Him...yet faith is what it takes to grasp that there IS something beyond the fog, behind the clouds, lying still & silent in his hands. It is waiting to be revealed, but until then, we are to sit, silently and in awe of the beauty of where we are...take in the smell of the flowers, the sounds of the birds & waves, the feel of the wind on our faces, the warmth of the sun beating down through the thickness of clouds. Rest & relax in the quiet knowing that while it is unseen, we know that something beautiful is before us.

Heights

2010-05-05T12:29:00.001-05:00

Just some thoughts as I prepare to head out...."As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." (Psalm 42:1)....through my searching, I ask..."Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child." (Jeremiah 1:6)...today, this is how I'm feeling. Where will the Lord meet me on this trip, where will he be silent & teach me to wait? I feel & know that I have so much to learn, and each day offers plenty of opportunity.....yet I am only a child, I do not always know where to seek, or where to find.

I find promise in Psalms 18:33 where it says "He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights." Heights can be conquered by hard work. I've never known anyone (except one of the native Everest peoples) to be able to climb a mountain easily. It takes steadfastness, determination, skill & vulnerability. But here, David talks about God as the giver of feet like a deer, easily able to climb & reach the heights from the depths.

This next week, hiking up mountains, kayaking through rivers, I will try to remember this....that though the rains pour, the storms come, there are heights to be reached again, and God is the one who gives us the ability to reach them.

Let's journey together, to see what heights are set before us!

Deserving?

2010-04-26T10:13:00.001-05:00

In a conversation this week, talking about the horrible happenings weaved throughout this persons life, the question was posed "what did I do to deserve this life?" The thought was chilling, and unsettling. I don't know that we really deserve any of it....any of the good or any of the bad. For what really could we do to deserve anything good in this life, and what could we do that would warrant such hard events? I know that if we really get spiritual here, there are probably very legitimate answers for these questions.....sin in the world causes us bad things in our life...or doing good for others often will allow us to reap plentiful benefits.
But in the simplicity of this question, ....I remembered a story in my past. I once had a wonderful band teacher. He always chose great music & taught us well. One particular choice of song, had a particularly difficult timpani piece. This he chose to give to me. The other parts he let the other percussionists choose for themselves, but for the timpani, he chose me to play. Just looking at the piece someone would understand this was not going to be easy. It had multiple tone changes, varying degrees of intensity within short measures, odd rhythms, parts where I was the only player amidst the entire band, & so on. I questioned his choice, pleading that I was not able to do this piece and that he should choose someone more capable. He insisted, and would hear none of my protest.

So I practiced, and I practiced, and I practiced, I screwed up & I practiced some more. Finally I was OK with the piece....just OK. And when it came to the concert, I stood & played...I was not perfect, but I was alright. I did better than I thought I would, that's for sure. Later, I asked my instructor once more....why did you choose to give me such a difficult piece? Surely someone else could have done it better. To this he replied, "I knew you would have to work at it, but I wanted to see you try..." (this next part is what really got me) "...I chose it for you not because you were the best, but because I wanted you to see what you were capable of."

In many ways, I see this situation as something similar if I now asked God why I deserved this life & the situations that fall into my way....He allows them to come not because I've done something to deserve them necessarily, but because he wants me to understand what I'm capable of overcoming when I trust Him.

Hands that shaped the world

2010-04-20T10:35:00.001-05:00

This weekend, God knew that I needed to hear from Him. Softly though, I needed Him. As I left my house, I was surrounded by piles of raked leaves....evidence that I did yard work last fall...and did not complete it before winter. The thought that I needed someone to tell me DO THIS was in my mind....if only someone could come along & help me to actually DO something, I might actually complete this work at last. I arrived at church and I sat still & silent, waiting to see how God would speak. For some reason too, I wanted to see a particular friend. I didn't know why, but the desire was there to see her.

This is how He softly came. As I turned to leave the sanctuary, I stopped to say hello to a friend. Over her shoulder, I looked & saw tightly wound curls....my friend, who I wanted to see so badly, was at my church (not her church) and was walking towards me. How could she know that that particular Sunday she would be such a blessing to sore, aching eyes. As we spoke and laughed, another lady approached me saying "I know how hard it can be to do housework if you don't have someone there to motivate you to just do it." I was totally blown away & amazed. She told me to call her and that she would help. I loved that Sunday.

Last night, as I drove across the city, my radio loud, a song came across that meant so much to me in that place. There is such simplistic truth here, so as much as I would try to describe it, I will allow the words to speak for themselves. Below are the lyrics, and a YouTube link so you can hear it as well.

I have unanswered prayers, I have trouble I wish wasn't there, And I have asked a thousand ways, That You would take my pain away, That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand, How to walk this weary land, Make straight the paths that crookedly lie, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine, Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth, You healed the broken, lost, and hurt, I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right, Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands

Your hands, Your hands that shape the world, Are holding me, they hold me still, Your hands that shape the world, Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands, When my heart is breaking, I never leave...I never leave Your hands.

There has never....

2010-04-14T13:52:00.002-05:00

Today the air seems heavy, my limbs feel weighted, one of my fingers has an insatiable twitching....I want to cry every time that I turn around the corner. I don't know what it is about today....I have shivers on the inside and yet I want to stand or run out in the cold rain. There are no real words to describe....I can't tell you what would make me feel better. Doubtful if anything would.

There has never been a time in my life that I have not talked with my mother for more than two weeks. It has now been almost three weeks to the day that I last spoke to her. It wasn't much...we talked about what was happening, we talked about how she felt and how she didn't want to lose me. We talked about my new website I wanted to make, and how I had found a name I really liked...not for my site, but in general. The name was Lucile Ann. I told her I liked that name because it was her middle name & my grandma's first name. She told me before I left that day, that she really liked that name, but that I should put an "e" on Anne.

I remember playing piano, her playing music me playing notes. Somehow we always made music together and it sounded beautiful, our mixing of melodies. I remember gardening, weeding, and planting. I remember her stories that snap dragons would bite my fingers off if I got too close....I kept away because she was always truthful. I remember putting our fingers in the water, to feel the coolness & stirring of the unseen tremors of the water.

My joints ache with the pain of an unexpressed sorrow. The anticipation of days ahead leave me with urges to close my eyes and to not think, to not breath, to not imagine. And how can you imagine, when the future is so unclear, and unknown, indiscernible? I breathe. Once, twice, again & again. Waiting & hoping for relief.

Questions or Statements

2010-04-13T10:42:00.001-05:00

So many people have been speaking to me, and telling me..."I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say, and don't worry....I won't be the millionth person to ask how you are." Well, I want to give you permission to ask.

The simple truth is...in my attempt to be honest with myself & with those around me, I fail in offering up much information about how I feel or what I struggle with. However, if someone directly asks me not just how I feel, but how do I feel about: ______ or what will I miss about:______ or how will:______ impact the ____ part of your life? Those questions are all good, normal & welcomed.

In this shock and awe of grief, my mind is not actively thinking about how my life is changing, has changed or will change. I'm just trying to simply survive from one second to the next. Laying one foot down in front of the other. Drive one more mile without crying.

I'll tell you this too....don't be afraid to ask me about things, because if I don't want to talk about it, I'll tell you. I'm becoming better at saying "no thanks" when things come to me that I don't want to share....so I'll let you know if I can't talk about what you're wanting to know, and I won't be mad that you asked, okay?

Alright, now that all that is on the table, I hope you feel a little more comfortable talking to me, and I hope you'll take advantage of my openness.

indescribable

2010-04-05T13:33:00.001-05:00

It's unexplainable, and indescribable what my hollow body feels right now. In the last few days, hours & moments, there is a need I have to repeatedly put my hand over my heart, to remind myself that I am alive. My heart that is feeling so much is yet completely numb and stilled with life.

What more can I say when my mother, my beloved mother who was and is my world, has disappeared before my eyes? My heart beats to a song that no longer plays. In almost every memory I recalled this weekend, her influence or presence was in each one....and I did not want to share those memories...I almost wished that I had memories that were apart from her...and yet there are none. We did everything together, and if we were not together we shared everything with each other. This constant communication will be the hardest to get used to. Unexplainably, the last few mornings, as I awake from an unrestful rest, my arms are wrapped tight around my soul, and it feels as though someone else is holding me...like my mother, from somewhere, is holding me and comforting me as I awake to the bitterly silent home.

Although I feel I want to write everything I'm thinking out now....I will withhold some, and will be continuing this walk with grief once again. If you are reading this, and have memories of my mother, I would love to hear them. Please write.

Moving Mountains

2010-03-22T11:05:00.001-05:00

Once in a while, you'll get a glimpse of something spectacular....of something new & unrealized, something fresh & intriguing. Sometimes those glimpses will come from the most unlikely places.

I watched this little girl with her father in the park. They were lying there, looking at the city, through the trees...she laid there in the grass quickly switching her hand to cover one eye, then the next, then the first eye again. She laughed with delight at she told her father "I can make the whole city move! It looks like the buildings are dancing!" Back & forth she would look once more as the city was moved from the east to the west and back again. Her dad looked over to her and simply replied "It all has to do with perspective."

And at that moment I thought about the passage that says "...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20) I thought about how faith has to do a lot with your perspective.....your perspective of God and of how much you can trust him. It has to do with what you think God can do. Even how you think God can work through a seemingly difficult situation. Do we really trust that God will use us no matter where we go? Do we really think He could bring good out of war? Do I really believe God will use Leukemia to touch people? It all has to do with perspective.

It's not physically moving a mountain from here to there, it's seeing the mountain the way God might see it. As an opportunity to overcome, rather than an obstacle that can defeat you. A mountain for us might be a hard work environment, or an impossible dream, or an un-lovable neighbor. We are all capable of moving mountains, simply by having a perspective other than our own....a perspective rather, that comes from Christ. We can see the un-lovable neighbor as a hurting soul that could really use a glimpse of kindness. We can see that our impossible dream is no longer impossible if we start from another angle. We can see that a hard work environment can be an opportunity to show a heavenly amount of patience & grace.

Makes sense to me that we are moving mountains every day....if only we have faith to see through God's perspective...from east to west, here to there, from mind to heart...it's possible.

Going back forward

2010-03-18T10:19:00.001-05:00

Last night, talking with a friend, made me think about some things....about "being". There also was a group of people yesterday, who I shared with about my struggle with this whole concept of just "being"....of being still, of listening, of taking time to slow down, etc. A very good friend of mine has asked me to take some time to slow down, with writing letters.....I started, but still haven't gotten a whole one out (It's coming you).

Anyway, what I found funny yesterday is that in thinking about "being" I took time to look through some of my old blog posts. It dumbfounded me because what is happening today, is totally different from two years ago, yet some of my thoughts & reactions are completely identical. I read one post, and thought....this could have been a narrative of me today, crazy! Totally different situation, and yet same response. Makes me wonder how much I'm growing....or how much this is just me, and going to stay me. Is there something more I need to learn in this area, or rather will I EVER learn?

I don't know. But I do know this.....whoever is reading this, you know me (or at least most of you do)....so if you see things that you question, I'm opening myself up to your questioning of me. Seek me out & ask about it if you see something that brings up a flag in your mind....caution me, question me, whatever you feel you need to do. I'm okay with that. It's helping me to grow.

Miracle Worker

2010-03-09T15:39:00.001-06:00

The sky today seems teary eyed...welling up with tears that may never come. My tears are the same some days....they are there, but do not break free from the comfort within my eyes. Tears can be hot with anger, cold with grief, salty with sadness, or refreshing with joy. ....and the ones that come today are the kind that fill emptiness with gratefulness.

Last week, there was fear....this week God came near. My mom was in the hospital, waiting for another result to come back...and was expecting the now normal response of "it didn't work....we'll try again." Needless to say this is a frustrating & often crushing blow that sets my whole family back into questioning what will be next. The doctors were not pleased, and told my mom this. Why, I don't know...but they were predicting, and wanted to prepare her for what was inevitable. Anyway, the doctor came into the room last Monday (the morning after 40 of us had prayed & cried out to God for her healing), and said "This is unexplainable....but your blast numbers are down to 3%....this shouldn't have happened according to your last results.....I don't understand it. We'll be sending it back to Mayo to double check." We all felt that we had witnessed a miracle....3% blasts means she's technically in remission! And after the double-check, the numbers were proved correct. What a praise! The prayer now, is that the 3% blasts stays there, and her white blood count will climb to normal levels....join us in this prayer, please!

The week before, there was also an unexplainable incident. Because of the seemingly constant hospital stays that my mom has endured, my dad has also had to endure phone calls from hospitals & such, to pay the overwhelming six-digit bills that keep coming. His responsibility had added up to about $47,000. He also had received another phone message, telling him to call the hospital about that bill, right away. Well, he started to pray & cry out to God. There is no way that our family will be able to pay this amount, and we need help to make this happen. It's enough to worry about your mother/wife in the hospital, without having to wonder where the money will come from to keep her in good health. So after an evening of sleeping & praying through his concern, he somewhat hesitatingly called the hospital. When the man answered the phone & confirmed the amount owed, the man then simply stated "Okay, we just took care of that."

Yep. All $47,000.....done, paid for, wiped off the tab.

All I can say, is that God is definitely a miracle worker. I've seen it this week, and I've seen it all through my life. The miracles don't come every time we want them, or when we would expect them....they come in His good timing, in his pleasure, to give us pleasure, and to show us His power & glory. He is Good. Very good. Just thought I'd share.

Conflicts and Fear

2010-02-28T22:31:00.001-06:00

So last night, while speaking with some close friends, someone asked me...how is it you can go through such crap & hard things, and still be so happy? My answer? "Because I'm a really great faker." Don't think that's much of an answer? Well.....neither did I once it was out of my mouth.

Since I was in HS, honestly probably before that though, I've been the "tough girl" who doesn't let things get to her. And it's not that I really AM that tough, it's just that I don't want to face those things. Tonight, I was at a youth retreat, and after saying yes to leading part of a game......I said....I can't handle it. I don't want to do that. (I'm learning to say no when I need to and tonight I needed to say no.) Instead, I somewhat reluctantly grabbed my Bible, hid myself away in someone's room & read. I searched for all the places that God told us about his peace, and how he would hold us together & allow us to have rest in Him. Here's some of what I found: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) "Let us therefore make every effort to enter that rest....." (Hebrews 4:8-11) "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink;...." (Psalm 69:14)

These are all things that were going on in my heart tonight, and as we studied together later, about how God wants to open our doors if we LISTEN to Him and then wants us to OBEY Him, I wondered about what it was that He wanted me to open up with. My answer? Fear. He wanted me to open up about the fear that was residing inside, holding my outside captive, never letting me truly express what was going on. It was interesting, because it was like God was saying....I can't heal that if you're not admitting it's there. So I admitted it was there. And then the next thing, was....how do I obey God in this area? What am I supposed to do about it?

One of the other verses I found spoke to that...Psalm 62:5,6 and 8 says "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.... Trust in Him at all times, O people; POUR OUT YOUR HEARTS TO HIM, for God is our refuge." Then you know, there are those many other verses that say do not fear....well, it felt like God was telling me...."don't fear or worry....but if you do, tell someone. Tell ME."

The other thing, was I avoid conflict (I'm growing in this though) ....and most times I think about that in relation to others. But tonight, I realized that I'm avoiding the conflict within myself, about the fear that I am (was) unwilling to face. Fear about my mom, my family, my future, relationships, what God's "to-do-list" is for me, etc. So the conflict wasn't with other people, but it was a conflict that I'm fighting with myself. (which is interesting b/c a year ago, in a class, the question was posed "what is the biggest hindrance to you growing with God and I answered "myself") Hm.

So....it's been a good night. I cried. I think the last time I cried was in December....and before that one day in October. I do not cry. But I want to, because it's an outward expression of the deep fear that is in me, and I need to express that not just to others, not just to God, but also to myself. ...."The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take delight in you, HE WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

And now....I'm going to be quiet.

Questions to ponder

2010-02-23T13:46:00.002-06:00

I just spoke with a pastor, and thought I would pass on the questions the pastor gave me. (I'm rephrasing some of these just a bit)

1. How much does God care about what you do versus who you are while doing it?
2. Could a team of people be more burdensome than a gift of money or background support?
3. While we continually ask God to fulfill OUR list, do we ever ask what is HIS list for us? What does HE desire for me or from me?

.....wonder about these with me.

Forever Faithful

2010-02-22T15:30:00.001-06:00

This weekend, a few things struck me hard.....here's my experience....I'd love your feedback.

This weekend, I was out until about 3am Saturday morning, and while driving home, I saw what I believed to be two prostitutes only a few blocks from my home. I physically felt my stomach drop. It was like a pit in my stomach that shocked me so much! I knew it was around, and that it is real....but somehow, I felt like my neighborhood wasn't affected by that. Hm. Those of you who've asked me about what I feel God is challenging me to.....you know that there's something there that keeps coming up in regard to reaching prostitutes....There's a lot I'm not going to get into now, but if you're curious, ask. Anyway....I went home and prayed....until I fell asleep (which wasn't long) but it lasted with me all the next day.

Two other comments struck me this week....they were said almost in passing.....and I don't think anything was meant by them....but.....they're still there, mulling over in my mind. That's all I can really say right now.

My question today I guess is this: I know that God is faithful, and that He will direct our paths....but when is it the time to stay still, or to move? When is it the time to jump and when is the time to ponder? If there is a deep seeded yearning.....and you act on it...can it sometimes be for your own motivation? And is that always a wrong motivation? I mean....you're still doing something helpful, right?

Hosea was told to marry a prostitute. A Prostitute! ....yet, through that, God showed his faithfulness to Israel. By Hosea's faithful example to a woman who continued to go elsewhere with her affection, God showed how even though we go elsewhere with our affiliations He is always faithful. Hosea jumped (married the woman) and then pondered and spoke...(he remained faithful to her, despite her own unfaithfulness).

I'm kindof all over the board, I realize this.....but....I guess what I'm getting at, is I know God is faithful, and I want to be a faithful follower too....but how can we do that with the conflicts in our own mind, and the things that pop up, getting us to think off course....and yeah. I'm going to quit now before I REALLY start to ramble. I'd appreciate comments or thoughts! (write them on my blog though....I have about one more week before I can read anything on Facebook).

A Story Worth Living

2010-02-12T14:09:00.001-06:00

We all have stories....some are comedies, some are tragedies, some are romantic & some are just plain stale. Wherever your story fits on this grid...it fits...somewhere, because we all are living a story. But what is making your story great? Are you inviting people to live out that story with you? Are you drowning in character development with a character that never does anything? Are you frustrated that your climax scenes never get the "aha" resolution like in the movies? Are you intrigued by the chapters, enough that you keep wanting to go further & further into the story?

I've been thinking a lot about story. I'm pretty sure I've already blogged on this somewhat, but it's in my mind again. Listening to music like Grace Potter, and her sweet crooning of "are we falling or flying"....a lot of this has to do with perspective...but your perspective is shaped by your story, right? somewhat?

In Ezra, he is a scribe that writes the Jews' story of coming back to the homeland & rebuilding their temple after so many years in captivity. What a story! The captors release a certain amount of captives to go home & rebuild a temple, that has so much importance to them. It's pretty amazing to me that the captors did that....and it's also pretty amazing how the people wanted the temple rebuilt so bad, that obviously they weren't just sitting around in captivity going along day to day....they wanted that temple, and they wanted it bad! I don't think it was really so much about the "temple" as it was about wanting a place to worship the one true God....but giving Him a place to reside was important for the Jews. They took steps to push for this goal, made pleas, petitions, spoke to apparently the right people, and when they got the chance, they took it! The set to work right away, and praised God while fasting on their trek back to Jerusalem. Amazing. They made their story a glorious one....not one of defeat.

It's about going after something, and not being afraid to face obstacles along the way. It's about trusting that God has quite the story to tell through you, and not just sitting around waiting for it to happen. How many stories have you read where all the main character does is think & sit on the couch?? (Okay....I've honestly read one like this, and it was the most pointless, aggravating, frustrating book I've read....I kept waiting for something to happen, and when it ended & nothing HAD happened, I wanted to die.) Alright, so....you get what I'm saying?

This is getting long, so I'll wrap up.....and maybe I'll make a Part 2 to this particular topic.....but what kind of story are you living?

My friend was inspirational, she challenged me to do things I'd never done before. I wanted something bigger than what I'd ever thought possible....when she died, that dream of mine got cloudy. But then...what I wanted was to honor her inspirational life. Many of us did. We set a goal, and figured out all the things we needed to do to get there. We invited people into our story (which makes it hard to give up)...and last summer, hosted a 6k to allow kids the chance to go to a summer camp....kids whose parents are imprisoned & would never have been able to go otherwise. It's a small story, but it IS a story. It's continuing, and it's exciting!

What kind of stories are you making?? Share them with me!

Someplace to Run to

2010-02-05T15:37:00.001-06:00

You know, some days, I just wish that I had someplace to run to. A destination of sorts, that would protect me from all the bad in the world. From all the disappointment, pain and heartache. In the past, there were these cities of refuge....they were mainly for murderers seeking ....refuge...duh. However...I wish that there were those today. Where only good things happened, you know?

It would be like....the ideal world in "Where the Wild Things Are"...where only what you want to have happen, happens. I know it sounds crazy, but it would be nice, wouldn't it? If you could escape for a time to just not worry about anything or anyone?

Hm. I have to remind myself that God is like our "city of refuge".....with the ability to let us just rest and be comforted. He brings us peace. Someone guilty, that wanted refuge, had to put forth effort to get to the city of refuge.....and in some ways we have to take that step to seek comfort in Christ but...He also knows when we are hurting and can come to us in that pain. "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:1-2)

It is so difficult to keep standing.....when so many things feel like their crashing around you. Sickness, disappointment, doors closing, etc. It's difficult to keep running this race....I just need to remind myself that I can. And when I get to a place where I can't, then Christ himself will take over.

I just wish some days that he'd be quicker about that!

A Clouded Pillar of Fire

2010-01-27T15:38:00.001-06:00

Oh man do I wish that I had a pillar of fire today....or a cloud of smoke....just to guide me where I'm supposed to be going. Do you have those days? Where you think you should be going one way, but there's no clear "sign" and you get confused?

Maybe you don't have a specific question you're looking for an answer about.....but rather the general direction of....where is my life going?...where is it going to take me, who am I going to be, what am I supposed to learn, ....what should be my focus?

Days like this....I want a clear vision....I have dreams, like many of us do I suppose, and a "vision" of where I'd like to end....but I desire a few goals along the way, and they seem to be cloudy today. I don't know why, but it's like.....today, I just feel like I'm living until tomorrow, not really with a purpose, which is pretty sad when I think about it. I'd love to be one of those Israelites, living day to day following a giant pillar of fire, or a cloud of smoke....they knew that there would be an ultimate end point, but until then, just following the fire & smoke was enough.

I'm trying to live a better story, something that's worth being a character in it.....but I don't know where I want this story to go....I don't know where God might have written the scene already.

Do you know what I mean? ....thoughts?

Opening the Way to Walk with God

2010-01-21T16:05:00.001-06:00

"The way to God is by the Savior's death. The way to walk with God is to be set apart by the Savior's life." Leviticus is a book about holiness. To some, the book of Leviticus is known as a priest's manual, the intricate how-to's of sacrifices, offerings and prayers. The point of these rituals however, was to allow people to remain close to God. These sacrifices were a way to set themselves apart from others, and to recognize the holiness of the God we serve.

For our cry to reach God, however; there needed to be a sacrifice...a holy sacrifice. Once a year, a high priest would enter the Holy of Holies to offer a sacrifice on behalf of him and the nation. This was a special honor that was only for one called by God. God himself would choose a high priest, the one to go between Him and the people. In Hebrews, it tells how God did this with Jesus..."The Lord has sworn and will not change his mind: 'You are a priest forever.' Because of this oath, Jesus has become the guarantee of a better covenant.

"Now there have been many of those priests, since death prevented them from continuing in office; but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

"Such a high priest meets our need—one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself. For the law appoints as high priests men who are weak; but the oath, which came after the law, appointed the Son, who has been made perfect forever." (Hebrews 7:21b-28)

Our Savior's life was truly perfect and holy in the sight of God..."Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin." (Hebrews 4:13-15)

Holiness as a characteristic would be someone who is recognized or declared sacred by religious use or authority...someone devoted to or set apart for the service of God. In Leviticus, the sacrifices of the priests were not to be the redeeming power bringing someone to God, but served as the outward and humbling act of a life committed to being set apart for the worship and service of God.

Now, as we seek to live a life that is set apart for God, one that is distinctly covered by the sacrificial blood of Christ, we can trust that God hears our prayers. There is now an avenue to call on our Father to hear us and guide us. We know that He will be with us forever, and will walk with us forever in an open relationship made possible by the priestly sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Some days however, we still do not know how to call out to the Father for help. It is then, as always, the Holy Spirit is present to intercede on our behalf. As Romans 8:25-27 says, "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

When we put our faith in Jesus Christ, He carries our prayers and petitions before our God. He enters the Holy of Holies on our behalf and pleads for us. Through this is the redemption of our sin, and the way to stay in a close relationship to our Heavenly Father.

Being confident in this, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek." (Hebrews 6:19-20)

Praise God for sending us a perfect and holy sacrifice, one who can serve as a High Priest that brings us into an open relationship with the God of the universe. He is worthy to be praised.

Perfectly Imperfect

2010-01-15T11:06:00.001-06:00

I am a recovering perfectionist. This is not entirely true. This is not nearly true. I am only a perfectionist in some areas & in those areas I am perfectly content to stay a perfectionist....I am not in denial. However, though with certain things I can "claim" to be a perfectionist, I know fully that I am not perfect. This may come as somewhat of a shock to most of you, but it's true that I am not even slightly perfect. Nothing that I have ever done or could hope to do would be considered perfect because who I am, inside & out is full of crud...sin. I was born this way...as were all of us I suppose. It is in our human nature & the only way to emerge from that imperfection is to come under the redeeming blood of Jesus. For it is His perfection that can make our imperfection perfect.

It's true that no matter what we do, say or think, our being, our human flesh is corrupt....yet I trust that by the God who sent his only son, the one who shed his blood to cover that imperfection, that we can be cleaned & redeemed. It is this redemption that spurs me on to live a more holy life, striving for goodness in Christ & to be ever closer to him. I know I'll never be able to attain this on my own & so my hope comes from Him that though I am not perfect, His grace has & will forgive me. I do not take this for granted, and hope that through His grace others may come to know Him through my life & other lives, because if God would save us...then He can surely save you. "The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, "Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29)

It is good to know that God is not the same as us, fumbling about in a body that has urges one way or another, good & bad....He is perfectly good. Numbers 23:19 says "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake." (1 Peter 1:18-20)

And the imperfection in us & in the world that causes us pain.....it is only temporary....and what's more, is that in humbling ourselves to the power of His grace, we are covered by the power of The One who has already humbled himself as a lamb being led to slaughter, and through his grace He will reign forever and will take away that pain of imperfection....Revelation 7:17 "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Knocking on doors

2010-01-11T10:39:00.001-06:00

Someone this past week, was talking about opportunities in life, and said how we shouldn't always be looking for another new thing or a better thing because we need to just be content and happy with what we've been given. It had a dissonant tone to it when I heard this...and I couldn't really figure out why, but I think now I know.

Paul says that he is content in all circumstances. Content? He was satisfied with what he had, and did not want anything else? Yes. It's true, he was content. Through prison, torture, allegations, investigations, hunger, exhaustion, persecution and ridicule. He knew that his satisfaction would never be met on earth, so he was utterly and completely content. And in this sense, I think we should all be this content. We should be content wherever we have been placed, in whatever race we are running, in whatever job, housing situation, social status, whatever. We should be content and know that our being, our self worth and justification will not come from the next best thing, but in the God who directs our paths and that wherever we are He will use to His glory if we allow him in.

However......Paul also says that he continues to press on toward the goal. Well what does that mean? If he is totally content, why is he "looking for more"? As I said above, I think we should all be content in the circumstances that we find ourselves, yet throughout the Bible there is an example of never finding ourselves "stale," but always learning, growing, trying, failing and trying again. In our situation there should be a peaceful contentment, but in our spirit, in our soul, should there ever be a contentment? Shouldn't we always be searching out what God is speaking to us? Where He is directing us? What opportunities might be shadowed around the corner, just waiting to be revealed by our search?

If I had been completely content, I would have never tried finding another job, I would have never been employed where I am today, would never have met the friends I now have, and would have been "perfectly content." Yet I would have been missing something (though whether I would know that or not I'll never really know)....but there's a whole side of my life that I never would have found. I would have never gone to Mexico and found blessing through small conversations. I never would have had the opportunities to talk about Romania's orphans to pastors all over the world. None of this would have happened if I had been ....content.

I AM content....every day....some days....but I'm never content to stay the same person that I was the day before. It's Christ's life that challenges me to grow, to run toward the prize, to be drawn closer and closer every day toward the Father who has blessed my life. In this sense, I will never be content. I hope I never am content. I hope you can be content in your circumstance,....but never content in your soul. Thoughts?

Not a moment too soon....

2010-01-02T20:47:00.005-06:00

In the New Testament there are 290 references to the love of God, 290 times when God had declared His love for man. But in the same chapters and the same verses there are more than 1,300 references to the atonement, 1300 assurances that salvation can be had through the blood of Christ. —G. Franklin Allee

Abraham was a man tested by God. Over an over God came to him & asked him to go here or there, do this or that, say something or keep quiet. Abraham listened to God. He understood when it was truly God that was speaking and not just his own thoughts or the thoughts of those around him. Abraham wasn't perfect however; he pushed forward with the said blessings of God by having a child with someone other than his wife, thinking that this child would be "the one" that God had promised. While God still protected this child, Abraham had clearly not waited for God to fulfill his promise. After a little while, God did come through for Abraham & Sarah, in blessing them with a son Isaac. In their old age, Sarah & Abraham love their little boy fiercely. They would have never guessed that this little boy would become the center of yet one more test of faith for them.

God spoke to Abraham and told him to sacrifice his son Isaac. If this was a message to me, about my own son, I probably would have hidden Isaac & tried to keep him safe...but Abraham didn't do this. The Bible says that he immediately went out & made preparations for an altar & the three day trek to the mountain of the Lord. On the way up the mountain, Isaac humbly asked his father where the lamb for the alter was, to which Abraham responded that "the Lord will provide the lamb himself."

I expect that he had great pain while saying this, trusting that God knew how the situation would end, and all the time Abraham following without understanding. It doesn't say that Isaac struggled while his father tied him up & placed the boy on the alter. This surprises me, and says a lot to the relationship of trust Isaac had with his father! Just as Abraham raised his armed hand to slay his only son, the Angel of the Lord came to him & told Abraham that God had seen how he feared the Lord. Just then, Abraham noticed a Ram that was stuck in the bushes. God himself had provided the sacrifice of atonement.

...Faith obeys completely the Word of God. --Abraham trusted in God's voice, and acted immediately.
...Faith surrenders the best to God, holding nothing back. --He surrendered his only son, the one he had prayed fervently for and had seen God provide.
...Faith waits on the Lord to provide all one’s needs. --Abraham knew that God would provide for him, whether through this son as a sacrifice or with something else. God had promised to make him a father of many nations, and Abraham trusted that whether it would be through Isaac or someone else, that God would bring that to pass.

"A true worshiper of God holds nothing back from God but obediently gives Him what He asks, trusting that He will provide. The key idea of the entire passage is summarized in the name Abraham gave to the place: Yahweh Yir’eh, The Lord will provide."

It is hard to put your all onto the alter. To open up yourself completely to our God, though we should know deep down that He WILL provide. It is still difficult sometimes. A true test of God will ask you to do something that doesn't make sense. It forces you to rely solely on him and not on your own power. I struggle to do this some days....and who am I kidding....most days I struggle with this. Simply in knowing that God will provide for me in EVERYTHING I need.

It is then that I remember that God has already provided a sacrifice for me, and that He has already provided all that I need. He has given me a new life, a clean slate, the forgiveness for my sins through the atonement His one and only son paid for me on the cross. Through trusting in Him, and even before I trusted in Him, He had given me and all of us forgiveness.

I loved this thought I read while studying about God as our sacrificial Lamb...."When does God meet our needs? Just when we have the need and not a minute before. When you bring your requests to the throne of grace, God answers with mercy and grace “in time of need” (Heb. 4:16). Sometimes it looks like God waits until the last minute to send help, but that is only from our human point of view. God is never late."

Finding God through his Character

2010-01-02T10:08:00.002-06:00

A few years ago, before blogging became my medium of choice, the thought came to me that if God was love, then I should find out what love is and that would show me who God is or what He is like. I searched all these different verses of the Bible, looking for how they described love & wrote them all down in my journal. It was a search that I strung out over a while, and thought about many of these aspects.

While someday I might share some of that with you here, for now I have another aim that I am seeking. It is to see how God has revealed himself to his people throughout the Bible, through the different books, testimonies, stories & revelations. I don't believe this will turn into an exhaustive study, however.....you never can tell where the Spirit of God might lead me in this.

A sermon I heard recently, named off how Jesus is revealed in most of the books of the Bible, and through other sources, I've filled in the rest of those books. This will be my lens that deciphers what I am searching for, to help me filter all that God is, into simple teaspoons to swallow. I've divided the 66 books into 53 sections, and my goal is to look at one section a week throughout the year.

Part of this comes from a desire to worship just who this God is that I've chosen to follow, another reason comes from a stubbornness to create further discipline in my life....a discipline to always search for & learn more....and to understand how to weave it into the work in progress story that is my life.

This is all for now....but I will leave you with a teaser of the first marker to hit....it will be from Genesis and will have to do with Abraham. Keep reading....

Expectation vs. Reality

2009-12-22T20:02:00.003-06:00

You know how you expect things....you know they're coming, or you think they're coming...but the way you expect to feel when they come isn't at all how they feel once it becomes reality? It's like your expectations meant nothing because nothing prepared you for this. And no matter how long you'd been expecting it...it just wasn't what it really was when reality hit? Hm.

It's like if you play a scene in your head...you know that Thing A will be happening...so you process all the possibilities & probabilities of what will be the effect of Thing A, that causes Thing B. You convince yourself that Thing B will be great, that it'll be grand, that it will work out. But when Thing A comes along, you react, turning into motion Thing XYZ and not even close to B....and then you freeze.

It happened tonight. As I'm wrapping presents, alone in my parents house. I'm wrapping all of my families presents. The door bell rings, from someone unexpected. Then here on the door is a friend, bringing care packages to my family, because he knows that this Christmas will be different. Yes it will. I knew it would be....I prepared for it. But as I took the packages, thanking him for his prayers & care, I placed them gently on the chair and started to cry. How is it that someone ELSE knew how hard a different kind of Christmas this would be....but to me, I had no idea! I get that this isn't going to be like this every Christmas from here on out....but this one, THIS one....it's just hard & it sucks. And everyone around me knew it....but I didn't. I thought it'd be fine, it'd be an adventure. Hm.

As I'm writing this, two verses come to mind. Philippians 4:7, which says that "...the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus." ....So I know that He is guarding me, and will put peace in my heart that I may not understand. And I also know that "The Lord is my Rock my Fortress and my deliverer, my God is my Rock in whom I take refuge." (Psalm 18:2) Therefore I know that He will be the one to bring me through....to bring US through. I may not be prepared for what's next....but I know that when my expectations meet reality, God will be the one who will comfort, provide, protect & reveal all that it is I am to know and do.

Where I want to go....top 22 places!

2009-12-18T16:29:00.002-06:00

22. Antarctica If I EVER get a chance to go here & it won’t make me bankrupt, I want to go. Probably wouldn’t last long though because I hate cold weather….but I’d still go.

21. French Guiana Here’s a country that I’d like to see just because….mainly because I’ve met a few people from here, and it’s always fun to see where they are actually from! I found a picture of this old French fort outside of Cacao and if I go, I’d want to make a stop here.

20. Canada I can’t say that this has ever been TOO high up on my list, but the mere fact that I am only hours away from a whole other country, makes me want to go….just to say I’ve been there.

19. Burkina Faso I put this country on the list because I just photographed a wedding, where the groom was from here. Curiosity I guess! This mosque looks really great too!

18. Philippines It seems that dangerous & war prone areas are the ones that attract me. Despite the instability of the Philippines, I’d love to see this unique country.

17. Namibia Not really sure why, but during a missions Sunday at my old church, the country of Namibia popped into my head. I got the giggles during church because I just thought it was SO random. It makes me want to go there & figure out what the reason was.

16. Norway Years ago, I became friends with a few people who are from Norway. Hearing about life there from them, sounded really cool! It sounds like nowhere I’ve ever been….except that everyone in Minnesota is Scandinavian…so it sounds a LITTLE like home, but much cooler. I’d love to see the Fjords and the fishing villages!

15. Netherlands Duh. I’m half-Dutch, why wouldn’t I want to go see where my relatives came from? The locks & waterways sound awesome! As well as I’d love to see how much of my family’s characteristics are from the Netherland culture….or just because we’re crazy!

14. Bosnia One time I was only yards from the border of this country…but it was manned with heavily armed guards…so we stayed away. It piqued my interest & I hope to one day go here after/before one of my Romania trips. Ravaged by war & in many ways still untouched by western culture changes, it would be great to see this country.

13. Israel From the beginning, this area and the people living here, have been such a critical part of history. Wars, conflict, religion, passion & doctrine have come out of this place, so I wonder who wouldn’t want to go here if given the chance. Who knows how long this country will last…so I’d love to go before it’s gone as we know it!

12. India I’ve known many people from India, and always been intrigued by the uniqueness of culture & traditions. The colors here look outstanding, and there can’t be enough said about the food & friendliness of the people. I’ve heard it is very dirty & smells….but I could put up with that while I indulge in their beautiful country.

11. North Korea I remember learning about North Korea in 5^th grade. I wanted to go then…and still want to go now, although I realize it’s very dangerous and currently illegal. Still, I want to explore this hidden & guarded land. Maybe someday.

10. Greece History. Culture. Warm weather. Kalamata olives. Feta cheese. Blue roofs. Need I say more?

9. Brazil Look at these waterfalls & the power in them! They are the Iguassu Falls....and this picture is sick. It makes me want to hop on a plane NOW!

8. Ecuador When I was just a little girl, apparently we had a missionary from Ecuador come to visit our church. I was enthralled by them, and ran around the house saying…(phonetically & emphasis added)… “KEE-TOH, EK-a-door.” I’ve been drawn to it ever since.

7. Croatia This is a land that has been ravaged by war, and yet retains so much beauty right on the coast of the sea. Just soak in these bright red roofs contrasted by the teal blue sea….a—mazing.

6. El Salvador This is some place that I'm just curious about. You don't hear about it often, and sometimes those are the best places! My great aunt visited here once, and got these photos of a man & woman making hats & clothing in a dimly lit room...it captivated me. Where are these people from, what is their life like?

5. Argentina Last fall, I went through a time where employment was uncertain for a few of us. During that time, trying to find hope of something else if we found pink in our mailboxes, my friend & I decided that we would move to Argentina. This country has such diverse landscapes....from snow to beaches, rain forests to deserts. Amazing.

4. Turkey A country full of culture, history, religion & adventure...what's not to love? I recently found a destination here that I simply MUST see some day. It is called "cotton castles" or Pamukkale, where sulfuric hot pools bubble up from the earth & over flow into a facade of snow like drifts, welcoming relaxation seekers to find peace in their warm embrace. (No, I did not copy this.....that is truly what I feel towards this wondrous natural wonder.) AH.

3. Spain (Palma de Mallorca) This is a destination that has been on my list for a while. My Aunt apparently always spoke of Palma de Mallorca as one of the most beautiful places she traveled to....which says a lot, being she was ALL over the world. Two of my brothers' biological siblings live here, so it would be great to visit!

2. Egypt Since I was little, I've always wanted to see Egypt for myself. I'm fascinated with history & archeology, that Egypt would be like a "mecca" type trip for me. Someday I want to dress in colorful robes & ride a camel around the Pyramids.

1. Morocco I want to see Morocco SO bad. It just brings such intrigue & culture. Colors (like in this picture) really draw me to places like this. Also, my Aunt Helen visited Morocco too & I currently have her photos hanging in my room. She caught such beauty that I want to experience it too!!

Bunches of Goodness

2009-11-23T10:30:00.003-06:00

This morning, I'm sitting here, jumping for joy on the inside, bursting with something. It's like...the last few days have been SO good, SO much better than previous ones. Yet what I know to be true is that despite the amazing things that have been happening around me & the fun things I've been doing, it's not THAT that is supplying my energy. It is the in-explainable joy that comes from knowing that my future & freedom is all in God's hands.

Paul prayed that this would happen for us, "so that Christ may dwell in (our) hearts through faith. And (he) prayed that (we) being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide & long & high & deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that (we) may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." --Ephesians 3:17-19

...and we know that this prayer would be answered because "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful & effective." --James 5:16b It is effective, and felt beyond the realm of time. How would Paul know that we would need this prayer so much? He helps us to realize that the power of the Holy Spirit will meet us where we are through those who pray for us when he writes in 2 Corinthians 9:14, "and in their prayers for you, their heart will go out to you because of the surpassing grace God has given you."

God is answering their prayer, and giving us a bold & fresh faith. One that is not easily overcome. Still, knowing that we have this power through Him, we must hear him & open the doors to our heart, so that we can be cleansed & prepared to defend our faith to those who come with questions & challenge us. "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," --1 Peter 3:15

We can be confident that the prayers of the righteous will be fulfilled by God, & that we can walk in that confidence because we "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." --Deuteronomy 7:9

Walk in boldness, gather all the confident joy you can muster from the bunches of ways that God pours out his goodness through his Grace, as answers to the prayers of many and rejoice in Him.

A little piece of beauty

2009-11-13T10:21:00.003-06:00

Have you ever stumbled upon beauty in an unexpected place? Or had it bump into you at a time when you needed to see something of hope? I was reminded of a moment when this happened to me this year.

Beauty inspires me. It allows me to see something & create, fill in the unknowns of the depth below the surface. But sometimes beauty needs to be taken just at face value & heard in the quiet places. This summer, at the end of a mission trip, my friends & I took a week to explore beauty in Europe. The mission trip had been hard, challenging & beautiful in itself, but...I think we all needed a little breathing room to process all we had experienced. On the last evening, the three of us got all dressed up, did our makeup, hair & headed out for a free jazz concert in the heart of Budapest.

The concert was in an upper room of a classic WWII era building, of marble & stone. It was standing room only, and even THAT was crowded. So one of the girls & I decided to grab a glass-bottle coca-cola, and go back downstairs to a little lounge room with two sets of french doors, an over-sized fireplace and a black grand piano. The room was completely empty except for a round fellow, balding & aging quickly with round, inch-thick spectacles & a bow tie. He sat at the grand piano, alone, playing classic jazz melodies.

I looked at him & thought up this life....he was an old man, that lived a normal life. A life that had no adventure and no big casualties. One that was never written about in a book, or would never be mentioned in the papers. He probably had never been married, but had been in love once & had never forgotten her. He lived at home and took care of his even older mother who called him by his full name. Music was the one thing he did exceptionally well, and that was where his adventure was made. It was through his music that he could write songs about the extraordinary things that he never experienced but always dreamed about. Every Saturday evening he would sing softly to an empty room, hoping that his normal life would do something, for someone, someday, somewhere. And that was his life.

Of course none of this was credible in any way, because the only thing we heard from him was in Hungarian...so it was all the beautiful imagination that I've been gifted with, taking hold of the could-be's of his life.

But it struck me then & again today, just how beautiful that moment was. Sitting there with a friend, listening to a contented musician play out his soul through the notes of a piano, in an empty room that was filled with beauty. Such peace surrounded us, such comfort & stillness. What beauty met us there. We didn't think of it then, but I see it now, that God's beauty is like that night. It's simple. It's beautiful & comforting. It draws you in. It is riveting & calm. Hm. To stop & notice those beautiful moments...to stop & notice how God can bring us beauty & peace...to stop & notice that He notices you, and wants to bring us beauty. It's beautiful.

Grasshoppers

2009-11-06T11:12:00.003-06:00

We are not grasshoppers.

Maybe you think you are, but you’re not. I’m not just being silly….Keep reading.

Numbers 13 tells the story of the 12 spies scouting out the land that God had given to the Hebrews. They spent 40 days exploring the land, and at the end they came back with a report. Two of the spies (Caleb & Joshua) said “We should go up & take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.” That’s a good encouraging report! Unfortunately, there were 10 other spies that replied “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are….The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size….We seemed like GRASSHOPPERS in our OWN eyes, and we looked the same to them.” The second report wasn’t so encouraging….it was rather deflating & discouraging.

Who really would want to do something like that, where your good friends & knowledgeable people came to tell you how little chance you’d have of accomplishment? I probably wouldn’t have wanted to go either…..but then again, who knows. I just heard a sermon on this passage, and it shocked me too to hear that they said how they “seemed like grasshoppers” in their OWN eyes. They had a view of themselves as little bugs…little annoying bugs that men can easily squash. Grasshoppers don’t have a lot of power…but they do seem to “whine” a lot, which is why I know we can crush them.

But what did Caleb & Joshua see that made them think so differently? They knew the power that they had with them. It was the power of the Holy Spirit, not their own power that they put trust in. I think the others must have known they had the Holy Spirit too, but didn’t trust in the POWER of it in them. The Holy Spirit’s power is in each of us who put our trust in God, and who truly believe that He is the One True God that saves us from our sinfulness. It is very easy to be discouraged when those around us, even people who love us, say… “you can’t do that,” or “I don’t know that that would be the best choice,” or “is that really where you think God is calling you?” You second guess yourself, and if you’re not completely confident in the power of the Lord, often you will give up that dream or desire.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7). We are each given the Holy Spirit, with the same power…missionaries in foreign lands don’t have a special power, pastors don’t have a special power…we ALL have this power & can overcome the things of this world that fight against us in the spiritual realms. Luke 10:19 reminds us of the authority we’ve been given….”I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions (two terms used to describe evil spirits visible in people of that day)…and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” Wow. That sounds powerful. AND WE HAVE THAT IN US! Right now! Wherever you are!

So why are we so afraid to step out in faith & do the things we know God wants us to do? Why are we so afraid to say what we want to say about our commitment to Christ? Why? Have you thought about it? Use that authority to overcome the words of other people, of the beliefs you hear, and to overcome even the words you put in your own mind to discourage you. You are given power through the Holy Spirit to go into the world & change lives…to set captives free! Be FREE in Christ, not captives in the world.

So remember the grasshopper….yes, you are small like him, and yes, we probably all whine like him too. BUT we are not able to be crushed like him.

Some of the Greatest People

2009-10-22T15:21:00.003-05:00

These past few weeks, various conversations have been brought up in different circles, just about people of real substance, people who really stand up for conviction & have charisma like not so many in this world. It make me think about all the people I've known who've been like that. I don't think everyone knows people who are outstanding characters like this, but I've known quite a few!

Here are a few of the people I've been blessed to have in my life: My Grandpa & Grandma...both of them were so stinking cool. My grandpa had unwavering faith, and a quiet wisdom that came out when you needed it, and was witty at just the right times. My grandma was a bit more feisty, but when times were tough she always told me how we just need to trust in God. My great Aunt Helen, though her memory is now failing, is someone who for the most part I'd like to be like. When I was little, I'd stand in awe at her china cabinet full of trinkets from her travels all over the world. She was a photographer, a traveler, an adventurer & was stubborn. Ha. She never had children of her own, but always made us feel special whenever we'd visit.

Some of my friends have shown me how to stand up against discrimination, for doctrine, with dignity, and through death. These are the people you want to speak into your life, the ones who apologetically live out a real faith, fully relying on God & open enough to share when they haven't. Strong enough to admit defeat & humble enough to recognize others' victories. If I could make one thing certain for you, it would be salvation, if I could ask for another, it'd be that you have someone to admire as a real life liver of the gospel & faith.

I hope that one day I can be that to someone. And may you too one day be in someone's "greatest people" list!

Toes touching the water

2009-10-22T10:27:00.001-05:00

On a trip recently, I walked to the middle of a river, on a rock path. I found a perfect sitting rock, took my sandals off, rolled up my jeans and put my feet in. The water was running fast all around me, pulling at the rock that wouldn't move, urging it to flow downstream, yet it held its course. I sat there with my toes underwater, feeling the power of the water and I almost cried. It's been so long since I've done anything that has scared me, or challenged me in a way that I don't want to face. I don't know if that's either good or bad...or neither, but it intrigued me. There I sat, having said earlier how I don't really enjoy rivers as much anymore....and with the water pouring down around my feet, I enjoyed it. I felt the power and the surge, and wanted nothing more than to lay back against that rock, and stay there in the sun for the rest of the afternoon. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't sad...I was calm.

It's interesting to find those things that sometimes scare us, or give us bad memories, and try to overcome those thoughts. I wasn't really setting out that day to do something I didn't want to, but once I was there, it was something that called me from within...just go, don't let it hold you back, don't take for granted the beauty of the rushing water. It brings God joy to see us enjoy His creation, rather than locking ourselves inside, while being too afraid of what might happen.

This was originally written in June....but just published today. Hope it met you today.

Being held

2009-10-14T13:44:00.003-05:00

I haven't always felt it, but I'm starting to today. Plates are falling...the one's I've been trying to balance, and it's making me quite nervous & irritated. The loud commotion that I can't quite seem to calm, stirs my insides in a way that can't be silenced. But today, I was given a gift of being held. In prayer, in though & in loving touch.

Something I've noticed this year, is how much touch is a form of love for me. Just having someone put their hand on my shoulder, or to bump knees with someone, or to just be held in a longer than normal embrace. It does something to that back & forth feeling within me, that I can't quite explain. Today, someone reminded me of us resting in God's hand...with His touch, holding us. Gently. Tenderly. Firmly. Not letting go. I loved that. Some days I just wish that someone would just come along & hold me. I can't always ask for it, I just want it to happen. And today, I remembered that when I don't get that in human form, I'll always get it and AM having that from my heavenly Father.

He's holding me, giving me a kind of rest that is not human, that is not the same as sleep, but more closely resembles peace within my soul. A gentle caressing of the spirit that will settle my deep restlessness. To rest, open & unafraid in His large hands is beautiful. A song I played this week gave me this peace too...

I am tired and weary, but I must toil on
Till the Lord comes to call me away,
Where the morning is bright and the Lamb is the light,
And the night is as fair as the day.

There'll be peace in the valley for me someway,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.

There the flow'rs will be blooming,
the grass will be green,
And the skies will be clear and serene,
The sun ever shines, giving one endless beam
And no clouds there will ever be seen.

There the bear will be gentle, the wolf will be tame,
And the lion will lay down by the lamb,
The host from the wild will be lead by a Child,
I'll be changed from the creature I am.

No headaches or heartaches or misunderstands,
No confusion or troubles won't be
No frowns to defile, just a big endless smile
There'll be peace and contentment for me.

There'll be peace in the valley for me someway,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me. ---Thomas Dorsey, "Peace in the Valley"

Exhausted

2009-09-24T14:08:00.002-05:00

I’m tired. Seriously. Tired. Some days, no matter what the day is like, it’s like….I have unexplainable energy, pushing me onwards, into new undiscovered depths of the universe…(please read that in a sci-fi narrator voice)…and other days, though I feel the Lord in me & around me, I just am tired. That’s what I get so thankful in knowing that I don’t have to do this life alone. I don’t have to worry alone, or really at all. I can leave things in His hands & know that what will be will be. It’s draining to have so many things come at you….and to keep going. Not pretending your okay, but knowing deep down that you WILL be…it’s just a matter of choosing that, and trusting that God will work things out.

I’m a planner. If you know me well, or at all, you know this to be absolutely true. I like to know what is going to happen, how, why & when…I’m also quite spontaneous & like things that are, yet most of the time my default is: planner. When things surprise me,…my first reaction is always to…okay, well let’s keep going as is, and deal with the real problem later, when we know more definitives. It’s been my way of dealing since I was little. I quite specifically remember a time that my dad accidentally killed….squashed….my cat. I was 3. When he told me very quietly that Snickers was dead, I jumped up with a big smile on my face & said…”I have to tell my friends & show them!” I ran over to my neighbor’s house, pulled my friends away from whatever they were doing, brought them over to ground zero & pointed so proudly. I said “Look! My cat’s…..” and with a quivering lip I couldn’t finish the sentence. It hit me then that it was real, not just something that happened, but something final.

Looking over other events in my life where I’ve been hit with scary or tough news, I’ve done the same thing. I go about my business because I know, I KNOW that there’s nothing really in my power to do but to live, and keep on living. But it gets to be tiring…just going about life, not knowing, and trying not to worry. Keeping my face turning up towards God, with all my questions & requests, Trying my best not to fall into a gap of hopelessness, but keeping my faith & strength about me. When I am tired, He will sustain me. When I need rest, He will take over.

A life in the morning

2009-09-17T15:08:00.005-05:00

Driving into work this morning, I watched as the beaming red sun woke the world from behind the edge of the earth. It shone so bright and crisp. The way it hit all the trees, the homes & sparkled off the lake made everything look brand new. All being kissed for the first time, all over again. Each morning, this happens. It's a new day, a new beginning. If you watch, you can see the trees speak it, in the way they reflect the light, peeking through the leaves & down their branches. The grass stands in attention waiting to be brought into the warmth.

It occurred to me how every day, we see these things as new, fresh, with a brand new perspective from the day before. Each day, we learn, we live, we experience, we grow...and each day, we awake new, fresh, changed somehow yet still the same. We are the same people, just like the trees are the same trees day to day, yet each morning we see them in the sun & they look new.

It made me wonder how I can take the things I do day to day, and see the new perspective Christ can bring. He's like the sun in the mornings, creating such beautiful light that things look new & fresh....he can renew our mind like that and bring us to a peaceful start of the day, looking at things with his grand & divine perspective.

What will tomorrow bring? The night air sags, it hangs pensive...just waiting to be cleared, to be pushed away & the freedom of morning to bring redemption to the day. Will you be there? Will you wait for the morning? Will you live your life in the morning & not in the shadows? Pray that God will bring this new day, bursting forth with radiance.....not only in the sky, but in our hearts.

Leaving Shortly....

2009-08-13T15:38:00.004-05:00

Buna Dimineata! Good Morning!

Thank you for all of your support over the past few years, while learning, serving, working & growing in Romania. You have been part of this from the beginning, some of you even since my brother was first adopted from Romania back in 1992! Well once again, myself & 5 others (including my brother), will be traveling to Romania to work with Gypsies, Un-wed mothers, Elderly & Street Children.

Many things here have seemed to keep us from going back, but finally God miraculously lined everything up for us to GO. Since my brother’s adoption, the Romanian people have laid heavy on my heart, and being able to bring other people into what God is already doing there is wonderful. Even YOU are being brought into this ministry, serving with prayer, encouragement & some of you by giving.

These are things we would ask prayer for—

--Open hearts: May OUR hearts be open to seeing God already at work in Romania, and how He would work through us to share HIS love.

--Flexibility: Things in Romania have a tendency to change…pray that we’ll “go with it” and follow where God takes us.

--Teamwork: Pray that we can complement each other and use each of our individual gifts to support one another.

--Rest: We will be working in extremely draining emotional situations, pray that we are able to find physical as well as mental rest so we can operate with full steam!

--Compassion: Some of the people we’ll be serving are hardened people, we need to have compassionate hearts to persevere & have persistent love.

I have been miraculously blessed to have raised all of the financial support that I need, however some of my team members are still a few hundred short. We are leaving August 26^th and will be in Romania for 10 days. If you would like to help financially at all, please write a check to Northridge Fellowship-Romanian Mission & mail to Northridge Fellowship, P. O. Box 544 Rogers, MN 55374.

I would love to talk with any of you about this further, either over coffee or a meal. There are so many ways to get involved, so please remember each of us as you pray during our time in Romania. You will surely be doing battle for us!

Thank you for partnering and God bless!

---Alissa